Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Just to get back into the swing...

Step one of getting back into the practice of blogging. Make a freaking post! Done.

I'd have to go read my last posts, to know where I left off here. Life's too short, daybreak will be here far too early, so you get it straight from the hip. Life has been what it is, on a fairly regular basis. Getting by, some days better than others. Only lately, have I begun to feel quite overwhelmed by the "crap" that creeps in around the edges of my otherwise pleasant & ordinary days.

Some of my friends know I helped my son out a couple of years ago, using one of my credit cards to do so. Bear in mind, I had paid off all the cards after Alfred died, in order to be able to get by without having to work full time. I nearly maxed out that card, in the process of helping same son. He'd promised to get a job & pay me back. Long story short, I have been paying on that card ever since, whilst my resentments toward my son were growing & growing. It was getting to a point where I was finding myself feeling quite angry & sick inside, because I wanted to be able to love my son without expectations or disappointments.

I knew the only way I'd be free of the hurt, disappointment, resentments and anger was to forgive the debt, even though I had no idea how I'd manage to pay it off. After over two years of making the payments, which were not in my meager budget, even though I'd returned to full time work, I found myself needing to meet my own needs (groceries & fuel/maintenance on vehicle) by using yet another credit card. It turned into an ugly cycle that had spiraled out of control.

It has been frustrating, daunting even, to try to get by without using any of the plastic. Told the son to forget about paying me back, so if he does, then great - that would be a huge help. If he doesn't, then I can continue to love him (but no more "loans"!) without reservation, resentment, anger or expectations. It freed me from the turmoil and allowed me to accept responsibility for making the choice to use my credit to help him out. Using tough love has never been my strong suit & I suppose I needed to relearn the lesson.

So, now I find myself working as often as possible, to the point of exhaustion, trying to eek out the payments & get my debt back under control. I've got a strong faith that the God I understand will provide my needs & a belief that things will be okay. There's a lesson here I needed to relearn & in my experience, when I don't "get" the lesson well enough the first time, the tests get a little harder with each subsequent "do over".

Am still wanting to sell the farm, move to town or where ever it is I'm supposed to move. Once in awhile, a little voice in my committee suggests I apply for a passport & take a trip across a pond or two. Will it happen? I hope so, but not until the plastic is back in its' cage.


PD said...

Yep, I know exactly what you mean. The sense of betrayal is sometimes worse than the results from the amount you lost. I've had to work hard to stop thinking people are scum, especially when they continue to so magnificently demonstrate they are.

Dr. Dog said...

It's a sorry thing your son did. Any idea whether he could pay you back, or is his life that out of control? But, yeah, you can't allow money get in the way of loving him. Hard lesson for everyone--you included.

Anyway, it's nice to hear more about you than just a line or two on FB. I was in a blog rut for a while, too.