MEMYZUNI

Just to get back into the swing...

2010-10-06T22:13:00.000-05:00

Step one of getting back into the practice of blogging. Make a freaking post! Done.

I'd have to go read my last posts, to know where I left off here. Life's too short, daybreak will be here far too early, so you get it straight from the hip. Life has been what it is, on a fairly regular basis. Getting by, some days better than others. Only lately, have I begun to feel quite overwhelmed by the "crap" that creeps in around the edges of my otherwise pleasant & ordinary days.

Some of my friends know I helped my son out a couple of years ago, using one of my credit cards to do so. Bear in mind, I had paid off all the cards after Alfred died, in order to be able to get by without having to work full time. I nearly maxed out that card, in the process of helping same son. He'd promised to get a job & pay me back. Long story short, I have been paying on that card ever since, whilst my resentments toward my son were growing & growing. It was getting to a point where I was finding myself feeling quite angry & sick inside, because I wanted to be able to love my son without expectations or disappointments.

I knew the only way I'd be free of the hurt, disappointment, resentments and anger was to forgive the debt, even though I had no idea how I'd manage to pay it off. After over two years of making the payments, which were not in my meager budget, even though I'd returned to full time work, I found myself needing to meet my own needs (groceries & fuel/maintenance on vehicle) by using yet another credit card. It turned into an ugly cycle that had spiraled out of control.

It has been frustrating, daunting even, to try to get by without using any of the plastic. Told the son to forget about paying me back, so if he does, then great - that would be a huge help. If he doesn't, then I can continue to love him (but no more "loans"!) without reservation, resentment, anger or expectations. It freed me from the turmoil and allowed me to accept responsibility for making the choice to use my credit to help him out. Using tough love has never been my strong suit & I suppose I needed to relearn the lesson.

So, now I find myself working as often as possible, to the point of exhaustion, trying to eek out the payments & get my debt back under control. I've got a strong faith that the God I understand will provide my needs & a belief that things will be okay. There's a lesson here I needed to relearn & in my experience, when I don't "get" the lesson well enough the first time, the tests get a little harder with each subsequent "do over".

Am still wanting to sell the farm, move to town or where ever it is I'm supposed to move. Once in awhile, a little voice in my committee suggests I apply for a passport & take a trip across a pond or two. Will it happen? I hope so, but not until the plastic is back in its' cage.

Pssst! Hey Teacher!!

2008-10-22T18:08:00.000-05:00

"Your slip is showing, Mrs. T!"

Had any students or staff at the high school where I substitute teach had been in the hallway, as the secretary was escorting me to the 3rd period classroom I would be teaching in, they might have easily hollered just such a thing. They would be uttering truth, but not in the way most folks might imagine. No, in this case, it was far worse and uber humiliating.

My morning started out nicely enough. I got plenty of sleep last night, after putting in a full day of work yesterday, both as a sub. teacher and a cashier at the grocery store. By quitting time yesterday, I was very ready to kick off the shoes, put on some comfy clothing and inhale a pizza. I did that, too. :) Anyway, I was scheduled to work at the school today, but not as early as I actually went in. When the phone rang this morning, with the secretary calling to see if I might come in early, to help cover another teacher who just learned of a death in the family, I had been trying to decide with skirt I wanted to wear for the day. There were two of them, both nice skirts, comfy and pretty, but tucked away for a long time. In fact, I hadn't seen these skirts since we'd lived in Montana! The container I'd been storing them in was in the basement & I only recently came across it. Yippee! "new" clothes! What I failed to remember was that the container held clothing that was on either swing of the size pendulum... stuff that was either from my skinny days or my beached whale days. Right now, I am kind of in the middle, whilst trying to get back down to my skinnyminny wardrobe.

So, after I got off the phone with the secretary, I quickly showered and got dressed for the day. First problem, the stockings I wore fit really well, until I got them to the hips/butt region. The packaging stated the hosiery was in my size, so I failed to understand why the gluteous region would not stay up. WTF??? Then I dug through the container and found one of my half-slips and it fit well. I figured if need be, I could always pin the pantyhose up to my overbeckies or the half-slip, right? Nuh-uh. I put on my big girl panties, but they decided to be holy rollers today. Damn things would NOT stay up. Maybe it's time to chuck those bad girls and invest in some fresh elastic? hmmmm? Anyhoo, I sucked in my gut, pulled everything back up to my waist and then stepped into my skirt. It was a teensy bit loose, but I thought it would be fine for the day. Yeah. Right. Sure.

I managed to get the Jeep out of the garage, toss the outside doggies a few treats, close the garage door and drive all the way to town in this outfit. My outfit was smart, comfortable and even flattering, in some ways. I drove to school, walked into the building, then to the office. Visited with the secretary, while she filled me in on my responsibilities for the day, with no problems. Everything was staying in place & I was feeling quite confident about what I was wearing. We, the sec. & I left the office and began our trek toward the two classrooms I would be handling today when it happened.

No sooner had we gotten just down the hallway, past the window that students visit when they need to speak to the secretary, when my entire skirt began a slow, slinky decent to my knees. The waistband chose that moment to no longer be elastic. Fortunately, my half-slip decided to stay in place, so here I was, clicking down the hallway in my sensible heels, with the waistband of my skirt around my knees & my scantily clad rear end showing off a pretty beige undergarment! It was also, at that exact moment, when my pantyhose decided the best thing they could do would be to roll the waistband down, all on their own accord, to my crotch area. "What the hell," cried my big girl panties. "Let's roll with 'em!".

Imagine my horror, when I realized my skirt was lengthening itself, leaving my derriere somewhat exposed, albeit slightly shimmery through the slip and a lovely thick waistband that surrounded my groin area. Talk about unsightly panty lines!!! *blush* I caught up my skirt and we returned to the office. A couple of safety pins were scrounged up, attached to the faulty waistlines of skirt & slip, and I was on my way back to the classroom. It was so embarrassing, but hilarious, as well. I am just so glad there wasn't anyone else in the hallway, except the secretary! LOL

Got to love a decent wardrobe malfunction once in a while. Helps me keep from getting too fat-headed. If I word the morning at school tomorrow, before I have to do my afternoon shift at the store, I think I'll go with slacks. Yeah, that just might be a really good idea! ;)

Who dunnit?

2008-10-15T14:40:00.002-05:00

For the record, I did NOT make the recent changes to this blog! Don't have a clue as to what happened to my background or who altered the colors of my fonts & such. Where my "banner" went is beyond me, too. Darn it all anyway.

*grumbles about boring appearance of blog*

Workin' it!

2008-10-15T14:37:00.001-05:00

A couple of months ago, right after school began again, I signed up to be a substitute teacher. There were a few snafoos with the FBI background search, but all is finally cleared. Yesterday morning, I was called by the school secretary & offered a class to cover, since the regular teacher was feeling kind of pukish. So, I accepted the challenge, gleefully, and hopped into the shower. No sooner did I get out of the shower, when the phone rang and my old job as cashier at the grocery store was being offered to me. So, I arranged to meet with the boss after I finished at the school for the day & went into town for a fun day of social interaction & adult mentoring.

I have a completely new-found respect for teachers!!! The class I taught was in the 5th grade and what a great group of children! They taught me some things and were, for the most part, very helpful. Yes, there were some challenging kids, but I adored each child for his/her uniqueness. *contented sigh*

After school was over for the day, I went to the old job & spoke with the boss. He is willing to work with my schedule at the school, but can also offer me all the hours I want. I let him know that I won't be able to do the floor mopping in the future, because of how hard & painful that is for my back & he was willing to work around that. It would be nice if he were able to pay me more, but I do know there are some benefits offered to employees, after a length of orientation. What I shall save on fuel costs, by working close to home & the benefits should help offset the shameful wages the store pays. Plus, I will be able to go home to let Chikki & Muffin out to go potty, either during my shifts at the school/store &/or between jobs, if I happen to work both jobs in one day.

Yeah, it's well passed time for me to rejoin the planet, on a local level & get back to work. Who knows, with the extra income, I just might be able to purchase little extras each month... like groceries! :)

Home baked goodness!

2008-10-15T14:11:00.001-05:00

A couple of days ago, I finally found my beloved recipe for biscotti and made a batch. Oh yummness galore! A couple of friends requested the recipe, so here goes... and don't blame the calories on me! ;) I made some changes to the original recipe & have noted them in italics for the reader.

Hazelnut-Almond Biscotti

Almond-Macadamia-Coconut Biscotti

1 1/2 cup blanched whole almonds *I used a small bag of almond slivers*
1/2 cup Hazelnuts *I used a small bag of macadmia nuts*
*1 cup sweet, flake coconut*
4 cups flour *make it 5 cups, to accomodate the extra ingr. of the altered recipe*
2 teaspoons baking powder *3 teaspoons*
1teaspoon cinammon *1/2 teaspn. cinammon, 1/3 allspice, & 1/3 ground ginger*
5 eggs
1/2 cup butter, melted & cooled
2 cups sugar
*1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract or almond extract, if desired*

Preheat oven to 375*F. *preheat to 350*F if you are using the cheaters recipe!*
Toast almonds until lightly golden. Cool. Grind 1/2 cup of the almonds fine. Toast the hazelnuts & rub off skin, coursely chop. *or cheat, like me & buy the nuts already skinned! Ground 1/2 of the almonds & 1/2 of the macadamia nuts finely, then coursely chop/grind the remaining nuts & coconut. When all is ground & chopped, you should have 3 cups total of the nuts & coconut. Feel free to fudge these ingredients as far as quantities, as long as the end result is the 3 cups total.*

Reduce oven temp. to 350*F. *you know... ;)*
Butter cookie sheets. *butter flavored spray works just dandy & is less harmful to the hips! I lightly sprayed the sheet & then spread with a paper towel. This helps to eliminate excessive burning on the bottom of the biscotti*

Combine flour, baking powder, spice(s). Add nuts. *and other goodies, as long as it's 3 cups combined total* Whisk eggs until frothy, add melted butter & sugar, mixing until combined. Add to flour/nut mixture. Dough should be mixed thoroughly & just slightly sticky to the touch when just right. Adjust the amount of flour to achieve this consistency for your altitude.

Shape four (4) 12" long X 2 1/2" wide X 1" high logs. Place 4" apart on cookie sheets, smoothing tops. Bake 25 minutes or until firm when pressed in center. (I sometimes use the toothpick to determine how done the loaf is.) Remove from oven, allow to cool slightly. Cut loaves diagonally into 1/2" slices. Stand pieces upright on cookie sheets. Bake an additional 20 minutes longer, or until sides of biscotti are a light golden brown. Remove from oven & allow to cool COMPLETELY before storing in cookie jar or ziplock bags.

Enjoy with a lovely cup of tea or coffee! BTW, this recipe makes a LOT of biscotti, so it's a great way to fill a void on the holiday gift list. It travels well, too, so you can mail it to friends & family!

Happy Anniversary, Beloved...

2008-09-05T00:28:00.001-05:00

September 5th is/was our wedding anniversary. This shall be my first without him. I know that July 4th was a rather rough holiday for me, as that was the day he proposed to me. That, and every Independence Day after, he would ask me again, to be his wife. I'd made plans to go hang with the neighbors that evening, but wound up not being able to speak to anyone without bursting out in gut wrenching sobs that night. Yeah, for some odd reason, it hit me hard, when I really never expected it. How will I handle tomorrow, the 5th? Only time will tell.

Have been uber busy here, done a bit of traveling and enjoyed a wonderful garden this past summer. I've been neglecting my blog(s), but then, my muse has been overwhelmed by all the goings on here on the farm. The critters, my sheep, goats, geese, doggies & kitties are all thriving. The garden is near done, except for the squashes (yellow, acorn & butternut) & brussel sprouts I planted. I did some canning the past couple of weeks, too, taking advantage of the good crop of crabapples, yellow squash, green onions, apples & green beans that I have had this summer. Made some delicious crabapples jelly, cinnamon applesauce, zucchini jelly (kind of like a relish), zuc/yellow squash Italiano (sooo yummy!) and spicy "dilly" beans. There's a crate in the mudroom with several squashes, too, that I will have to find a cool place for, so I can use them over the winter. :D Yep, I've been domestic lately.

Job hunting, too, There's no more insurance $ left, since my son needed my help with a couple of "issues". He's planning on moving up here, as soon as he gets those "issues" completed, to help me with the farm. He was here for a couple of weeks in July & he fixed the leaking roof. Then he chose to return to Oklahoma, to face his issues & take responsibility for his choices. I hated to see him go, but it's better that he deal with that stuff, so he'll be able to start with a clean slate, once he does get moved up here permanently. It will be such a relief to have him here & I am really proud of how hard he is trying to straighten up and settle down. Finally, the kid is wanting to grow up & as long as he keeps that attitude, I'll use every resource I can to help him make better choices. Plus, once he gets settled in here, I'll feel more comfortable about returning to the doc to discuss that biopsy and treatment, if it's needed. Yeah, after watching my Spouse endure 6 years of various protocols of treatment, I'm not about to try doing that living by myself!

My daughter is entering her second trimester of pregnancy! I was hesitant to mention anything, because her first pregnancy didn't go so well. This time mom & baby are doing splendid, so I'm thrilled to announce that I shall soon be a grandmother again! *happy dances* My daughter & her hubby are so excited, as they have been trying for the past couple of years for this special bundle! After all of the losses they have endured over the past year, it's terrific to have some good news to focus on. :)

Back to the job search topic: I applied with the local school district for a substitute teacher position. Had to go through the fingerprinting/background check, in order to even be considered. Did that about a month ago. Went in to the school yesterday, to find out if I'd been giving a clear pass, only to learn the FBI rejected my prints! Not sure what "low characteristics" means, but am guessing the first guy used a tad tooooo much ink, so the prints were too smeared. Got my prints redone, via a different sheriff at the courthouse & hopefully the FBI will be happier. At least, I know the Feds aren't out hanging my photo up at the post office! LOL Speaking of the post office, our local one has had a sign hanging for over a month, seeking someone who will bid on the cleaning of the town office. What the heck - just six hours a week, easy, honest money, so I put in my bid. Wish me luck on that. That & the sub-teaching job. :)

Another note - a couple of months ago, I sent my darling Ingo to another breeder in Wisconsin. She (the breeder) had been here in the Spring, so her beautiful Jura could "court" my Ingo. Well, for some reason, it didn't happen... darn slick floors?! Soooo - I sent Ingo to her, hoping that he & Jura would eventually be able to get their acts together. Plus, Ingo would be an indoor doggy if he lived with them. I couldn't let him be an indoor doggy here, because he & Muffin kept doing that "pissin' match" thing when I tried here. *ugh* Anyways... Jura just had her Autumn heat & Ingo went to the "doggy love doctors" that are near where the other breeder lives. The docs are specialists in the AI department & were able to successfully get 3 "collections" from Ingo. According to the specialists, this is Ingo's LAST HURRAH. The other breeder & I are dearly hoping there will be at least 2 healthy puppies from this union. If so, & assuming one will be a female, I shall be getting the pick of the litter female & will be able to return to breeding my beautiful Entlebuchers. It's been awhile since there have been puppies here & I am excited, again, about the prospect of being a responsible & ethical breeder, once more. That and puppy-breath kisses. Yeah. :D

Definitely seeking intense prayers & positive thoughts for the success of the breeding between Jura & Ingo. Ingo has the most marvelous temperament, OFA rated Excellent hips and is a stunning representative of the breed standard. Jura is beautiful, is such a sweet nut and she does NOT carry the gene for PRA. This means none of their pups would have the gene for PRA, too! So, if they inherit their daddy's hips, we're looking at some pups with potential to better the breed. Maybe some of that info whooshed right over your heads, so trust me when I say that's all good stuff. :)

So, my friends... that's the summer in a nutshell. Feel free to send me some positive energy & thoughts, that I'll be able to get through tomorrow a bit better than I did on the 4th of July. I'm going to work on maintaining an attitude of gratitude, for the blessings that come from a decade of incredible memories (the good ones, ya know) and the understanding that the God of my understanding isn't about to desert me or my needs. And yeah, I'll work on blogging when I can, more often. *hugs to all*

Had it!

2008-07-08T12:21:00.002-05:00

Okay - I am now in the process of transferring all of my old posts from that derelict blog home into this blog home. Ya, I have a Vox blog, but it's reserved for when I get off my rear end & start writing stories again. So, this is for my personal stuff & the Vox is for my creative fiction stuff. As soon as I get the rest of my old posts moved over to here, I'll resume posting randomly & neglectfully, as per my most recent behaviors. Let me know where you're blogging, my friends, so I don't lose track of ya - PLEASE!! :)

Wassup here

2008-06-05T13:23:00.001-05:00

Ya, I've been a bit neglectful of my blog & am way overdue on the posting. Here's one of the reasons I've been so busy, besides having to mow my yard every other freakin' day! As soon as the weather clears up, I'm going to be pounding some fence posts into the ground, to finish the fencing around the yard. Then I can let my baaaabies help mow the lawn! :)

I'll get back in here, asap & share how my trip to WA went. Yeah, I know it's been at least a month since I went there, but that trip & some of the disappointments really took more wind out of my sails than I had anticipated. Grieving - it's not for wussies. The days are getting better, now, finally and I'll try to get back in here more frequently. Til then, enjoy the vid. <3

It's Nearly Time...

2008-04-13T15:34:00.000-05:00

... and I'm unsure of how I really feel about it. Tonight, I'll meet a friend who is going to doggysit Chikletz for me. The day I leave, I'll take Ingo & Muffin to the vets, to be kenneled for the duration. Must call my neighbor, to remind them about tending the outside dogs for me. Got the cats squared away, so they should be good.

Last week, I finally brought Spouse's remains home. The funeral home put his ashes in a plastic bag, that was inside another plastic bag, then in a cardboard box. Yep, just a plain old, brown, cardboard box. I was none to comfortable with the idea of transporting my beloved's remains in such a flimsy box, so I searched the house for something more suitable, more... him. Finally, my eyes flashed past some old, military ammo boxes that Spouse kept his ammo in. *d'uh* I emptied a smaller ammo box of it's shells and put the plastic bags that held Spouse inside. Perfect fit, a sturdy box that I believe he would have appreciated as a temporary urn. That ammo box is now safely tucked away inside my nearly packed suitcase.

The plan is to take the train to Washington, where a friend will meet me at the station. I'll be staying with this friend and will be able to use an old beater pickup truck of his. On Saturday, April 19th, in the afternoon, there will be a memorial service/pot luck luncheon in a big hall. Following the memorial service/pot luck, the Whatcom County chapter of Combat Veterans International (CVI) will provide a motorcycle Honor Guard to the place where I and a few others will board the sailboat, which will take us to the place where my husband wished for his remains to be scattered. Hopefully, the weather will be kind for smooth sailing, otherwise, we'll be driving to the place and I'll have to figure out another way to get his ashes out to the sea.

You may not hear from me for awhile, at least until I return. You kids be good, while I'm gadding about on this final chapter of life with my beloved. I'll miss ya.

Okay, So I'm Not Johnny Depp

2008-04-06T21:08:00.000-05:00

Still, I enjoyed a lovely walk across my back yard, fields, through my trees and to the cornfields behind my home a couple of days ago. I'd been standing out on my deck and realized the Canadian Geese and the Snow Geese were flying overhead, with their destination being the field right behind my place. After trying to figure out how to use the movie feature on my digital camera, I thought I'd give an attempt to film the many geese in that field and the embedded flick is the result of my feeble attempts.

Hope you enjoy it! Note: some strong language, so you might want to make sure the kids are elsewhere in the home. It's a 6 minute vid, too, so it may take awhile to load for those on dial-up... sorry. Grab some popcorn and take a walk on the wild side with me...

Stick a Fork In Me...

2008-03-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

I'm done. My family is done.

My heart feels raw, from the losses our family has endured since Spouse passed away in December. Yes, his death impacted me in a far greater way than it did my siblings and children, but they mourned his absence, too. It made for a subdued holiday season for all of us. I am grateful to have had their support, especially during the holidays.

It didn't help that we here, at efxblogs2, lost a champion for those who face challenges, our CabinFever/Elaine. No, that didn't effect/affect my family, but they did respect my sorrow and that I miss this online friend.

In mid-February, my ex-MIL fell and broke her neck. She was a wonderful woman, a friend whom I loved dearly, even after the many years that her son & I divorced. Right after the divorce, in fact, she insisted that my daughter & I stay with her & "Grandpa John", until we got on our feet. She babysat for me, for free, until I found gainful employment and found an apartment. She & her husband even "adopted" my son, who had a different dad, as a "grandson", simply because he was related to me & his half-sis. That's just the kind of good soul she was. Anyway, she was taken to the hospital and had surgery, which went well in the mending of her broken neck. (basically, from what I was told, she sort of popped her noggin off of the spine, but didn't sever any nerves... they only had to screw her head back on) My daughter flew to be with her precious Grandma and to offer help with whatever, so she was with her Dad and his new family (more good peeps, really) when things turned sour, following the surgery. She suffered a stroke and went to join her husband's spirit a couple of days after the surgery. Maybe I blogged about this - I didn't look and can't recall. If I have, here's where I'll remind folks that this incredible woman actually died twice. She was pronounced dead on one day, after she had flatlined for a full 40 minutes, but when the attendant/nurse removed a tube from her throat, she began breathing again. Of course, this meant she was now in a vegetative state and had she not finally passed again, the next day, would have never recovered. My daughter was devastated when she lost her only surviving grandparent. This grandma adored her grandkids, but there was a special bond between her first (my daughter) and her. I didn't go to the funeral, because of many factors, but that did not lessen my feelings of loss. I count having been loved by such a woman a true blessings and celebrate the friendship that continued for these many years. It still felt like a "crappy hand" to be dealt, so soon after Spouse's departure.

Last week, my Son-in-Law's grandfather died. This man was a tremendous influence on my SIL, as he grew. This man taught my SIL how to treat women (the right way), how to fish, how to do many things - most of all, how to be a good person. From the moment he met my daughter, she was "his favorite grand-daughter". His death, like Spouse's, was not sudden or unexpected and he is now free from the pain he endured for a long time. While his passing has not immediately impacted me, it still has touched my heart, because my daughter & SIL loved him deeply. Their world has been tossed upside down in losing two beloved grandparents within exactly one month. My heart breaks for them, and the rest of my SIL's family.

This morning, I telephoned my sis in Michigan. Her husband's dad, has been dealing with some progressive illness for the past few years. He's been on oxygen for the past year and could not breath without it. Yes, he was a smoker and when his condition was diagnosed, he refused to give up his smokes, since, well... it wouldn't have extended his longevity at that point. I've met this man and really grew to care for him and considered him just as much family as my BIL. When I would call over to his house, to yak with my sis, he would answer and he always was able to make me laugh. It never failed to tickle me, when he'd mention how happy he was that I called and how I was looking Really Good that day. :) Yeah, it happened and my BIL & his sister who had recently moved there to help with their dad are taking this soo hard. I can easily understand why, after learning about the ambulance fiasco of last evening.

Their dad began showing signs of weary, unresponsive to them when they tended to him. So, they decided to call an ambulance, so they could have a doctor see him. Bear in mind, their dad had a DNR in place and wanted to die at home, which is why they hesitated to take him to a hospital - this shared, just so the reader understands. So - with that clarified - the ambulance comes and my sister tells me it was like watching an old 3 Stooges flick. While the majority of the ambulance crew came into the house, tripping over each other and dropping equipment, etc..., the driver decided to turn the ambulance around, so it would be facing the street and loading the patient might be easier. His home is very rural and the driveway is long, with muddy areas on either side of the asphalt. Anyway, the imbeciles in the house finally got him loaded into the ambulance and they began to leave for the hospital.

For whatever unknown logic that driver used, she took off down the driveway, toward the road and wound up sinking half of the ambulance in the mud on one side. The more she tried to back out of the mud, the deeper it sank, until the ambulance was on the verge of tipping over. In the back of the ambulance, the patient & gurney were laying on their side (which means the damn gurney tipped over, with a very sick man strapped to it!), while the ambulance crew was outside, trying to push, heave ho and argue about the best way to get the vehicle unstuck from the muck. Imagine my BIL's horror & disbelief when the chief of this crew asked him for a flashlight! Uhmmm, I'm not an expert, but I assumed a flashlight would be a basic piece of equipment in an ambulance. You know, seeing as they sometimes have to respond to wrecks and whathaveyou in the dark and all. *rolls eyes*

I'm unsure of how long the dingleberrybrains fudged around with the ambulance in the quagmire, but I do know they insisted my BIL go find some wooden boards to put under the tires, hoping they'd be able to push the rig onto the boards and get back on the asphalt. My BIL told them THAT would not work (speaking from his own personal experience), but the chief (gruff old geezer with 'tude) wasn't budging from what he believed was right. While the Chief had the gall to stand outside the sinking ambulance, with a critical patient strapped to a overturned gurney inside, the clock continued to tick - tick - tick. Finally, after BIL located a flashlight (apparently, it's vital for every patient to be sure they have one handy, in case of night emergencies) in his dad's house and then searched for some hopefully adequate boards in the garage and they got them wedged under the ambulance and THAT failed, the Chief decided to call in for another ambulance. Another ambulance that had to make the twenty minute trek from town to the location of the first one. A tow truck was also dispatched and it's only a minor miracle that it didn't block in the second ambulance.

The crews got their patient uprighted again on the gurney and transferred to the second rig, which backed out of the driveway, no trouble at all. Finally, FINALLY! they sped off into the darkness, toward the hospital. Now, all my BIL & his sis had to do was wait for the first ambulance to get the flock out of the way of his car, which was up by the house, of course. Would anyone be stunned to learn the Chief (must have been a real genius, this guy) had the audacity to get out of the ambulance and waste even more of my BIL's precious time, by arguing that the car could easily navigate around the sunken vessel. Uhmmm, my BIL has been taking care of that driveway for the past 3+ years and he knows whether he'd get stuck on the other side of the asphalt if he tried this maneuver or not. Yeah? So? That's how the Chief responded, in his ever so adult (bites tongue) manner. Yes, kids, the man stood his ground (actually it was his patient's ground, but it would be easy for any newcomer to the scene to assume differently), and raved on & on, until the tow truck arrived. I asked my sister whether it was a professional ambulance service or a squad of local good 'ol boy volunteers, and learned the service is a combination of both. The Chief, the man in charge, was the requisite professional on the first crew of comedians who (mis)handled the patient/ambulance mess.

The tow truck finally came, a short while after the second ambulance departed and got that heathen crew out of the muck, so BIL & his sis could finally head to the hospital. Fortunately, they made it there in time, so their father wasn't "alone" when he took his last breath. Again, I am empathizing with their loss and realizing there shall be no more of those fun telephone chats with him. I am grateful that life provided me the opportunity to know his friendship these past few years. My heart breaks for my BIL, my sister and his sister, knowing all too well many of the thoughts that are going through their minds now & in the months to come. They were caregivers and there was no Hospice help, which makes it all the more easier to guess how hard this must be for them.

On a personal note, despite these recent losses, I am doing much better. Over the flu, finally got a check from the VA yesterday that will help at least cover the house payment & utilities and the snow has nearly all melted. A friend called a while ago, today, and told me that all that has gone on was related to the Lunar eclipse in February. He also said that we're (everyone who lives on earth) will soon be seeing this "horrid wtf is going on????" end, since we're on the tail end of those astro-influences.

Shit gold, Bubba. I hope so. Stick a fork in us. We're done.

Requires 2 12-volt batteries... not included

2008-02-26T12:26:00.002-06:00

Well, so far, it looks as if I will survive that nasty cold/flu bug that laid me horizontal for nearly a week. It's been ages since I've allowed myself the pleasure of being that sick and I hope it's a long, long time before I do anything as foolish again! My body put me through a myriad of tempuratures, ranging anywhere between 102.6*F to 96.1*F at any given moment. I ran internal fevers when my skin felt icy to the touch to sweating profusely and having to change jammies twice in a ten minute period. *eeeeeeyyyeeeewwwww*

The most strength I could muster, was enough to get to the mailbox each day, because I was expecting some meds by mail and feeding my outside doggies. Everything else went on hold, basically. I did call my neighbors one day, asking if they might pick up a rack of Sierra Mist and a box of fortune cookies for me. They did, dropped them at my door and fled, per my request, because I surely didn't want them exposed to what I was enduring. Cooking was out of the question, since that required standing for a longer interval than my brain could tolerate. So, I survived on water, the Sierra Mist and the fortune cookies, except for the two grapefruits, one cup-o-soup and one Top Ramen that I managed to fix while my fever was lower. I lost a total of 21 pounds in one week. Kind of a crazy way to lose weight, but I can spare more, so will take it as a blessing.

Day before yesterday, I woke up, feeling much better than I had in days and my temp was nearly normal. What a wonderful feeling! I must admit, I was feeling quite scared for a couple of those days, because I was so weak, it was all I could do to get to the bathroom to even pee, let alone refill my water bottle. I'm still fairly weak, but gaining strength back daily, while trying to not overdo anything.

So, yesterday, I decided I was feeling well enough to run to town, do a couple of errands and maybe get a little take-out or a pizza to munch on for a meal or three. I got dressed, went out to the garage and clicked on the remote for the garage door. Still standing outside in the warm 20-ish temps, I heard the gears begin working, then a horrid screech and crunch of metal and plastic crunching and tearing. The gizmos attached to the top panel of the door pulled away from the garage door, leaving a gaping hold where it once had been attached. All I could think or say was, "Oh shit!" My vehicle is stuck in the garage and there is no way I can fix this alone. I'm going to have to call a pro in to fix that top panel or replace the door. *grumble.. grumble*

So, I went ahead and fed my dogs and bundled up for the trek to town. I HAD to get to the post office, to get a check off to the bank, so my house payment would be covered on time! Had I not been so sick, I would have mailed it sooner & not worried. Oh well, I figured the 4 mile walk would do me some good. After walking about a quarter to half a mile down the lonely, quiet dirt road, I reached the end of my property, where the trees end and the open prairies begin. We're talking about wind now, kids, lots & lots of S. Dakota wind. Um, okay, so maybe I wasn't as bundled as I originally believed. I turned around and began walking back toward home, not wishing to be a topic of interest on the evening news. Heck, it might be days before anyone found my body, since my neighbors are in Minnesota right now.

My garage is a two car number, unattached and has a nice little workshop area. There's a bunch of things that Spouse had piled on one side, like the industrial lathe that's on two sawhorses. I cannot move that puppy a mm, let alone an inch! It took 4 strapping young men to move it to where it still sits. It's also blocking the entrance to the other bay of the garage. I did think I might be able to maneuver my Jeep past it, however, if I were able to get the old woodstove moved over enough, and I shoved those shelves a little further that way.... so I set about pushing, shoving, sliding and grunting the objects until I thought there would be enough space to get the car safely past them.

Then I opened the door, jumped into my Jeep and turned the key. WTF????? I turned the key again. The battery is deader than a doornail. That Jeep ain't going nowhere, not for awhile! So, here I am, snug in my little house on the prairies, owner of two vehicles that both have dead batteries. Without one or two new 12-volt blocks to charge my trusty steeds, I'm not going for any joyrides soon. And you know what? I feel perfectly fine with that. It's really okay, today.

The way I am choosing to view this minor inconvenience, is that the Universe seems to want me to stay home and be safe. Yep, after I went back into the house, I answered a phone call from a dear friend and she told me about her sister, who was just going into surgery for a fractured hip. No sooner had I gotten off the phone with her and I was chatting for a minute with my neighbor's, who are in MN because her dad fell and broke his hip. He had just gotten out of surgery. Whoa! That's two broken hips in less than an hour that I heard about. I am choosing to believe the Universe was protecting me from injury, by keeping my Jeep stuck where it sits.

I have to believe that everything is going to be okay and all will happen when it is supposed to. I am refusing to surrender to negative thoughts and energy!!! Been down that road before and it only attracts more negative crap & I choose to be happy, even if my garage door is broken and the cars won't start. There are plenty of projects I can tackle here, enough food to last me until the snow melts (assuming it will melt before April) and if I run out of smokes, that won't be a bad thing either. I've managed to lose 35 pounds since Spouse died and that's a good start on my reclaiming my own health. These minor challenges with the vehicles and garage are temporary and I know it will all work out, when it is supposed to. Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy each day and do what needs to be done.

Anyone up for a game of Scrabble? :D

The 4-legged TV tuner

2008-02-19T23:03:00.000-06:00

This past week, I realized that perhaps we've begun to develop some habits here, which are effecting poor, little Muffin, my Chihuahua. Take yesterday, for example... I was on the phone, talking with the lady who works for the census peeps. Around 3pm, Muffin began barking in another room and didn't stop. At first, I thought maybe he was at the kitchen door, barking at the cats in the mudroom. It wouldn't be the first time. Anyway, after about 20 minutes of his incessant yapping, I stepped away from the computer and carried the phone into the other bedroom, where Muffin was sitting on my bed, barking his fool head off at Dr. Phil. We generally watch the Ellen Degeneres show at 3, and all I could figure out was that Muffin didn't want to view Dr. Phil. I changed the channels on the television, to Ellen, and he calmed down and watched her show. Weird dog!

Earlier today, he was barking again, I guess because the wrong soap opera was on. Not that I watch the soaps much, but I do sometimes leave the tv on, just so the house doesn't seem so empty. I switched channels again, to the soap that is usually on and he settled down, again staring contentedly at the idiot box.

Right now, I'm sitting in the front bedroom, where my pc is, and I can hear him bitching out Conan O'Brian. How dare he be on Muffin's tv, when everyone should know, by now, that he prefers Craig's delightful accent? The nerve!

Chikki has acted a wee bit strange, now and again, too, recently. The other night, we were all in bed and I was watching something or the other on tv. Chikki uttered a low growl and stared a hole through the closet door. I asked her what was up and she turned her gaze right back to the corner of the room and the closet door. Mind you, there wasn't anything there. Nothing different, that hasn't been there for a few weeks. A couple of times, she has jumped off the bed and stood in front of the doorway to the bedroom and her hackles have risen. I can't count how many times they have leaped from the bed, barking as if an intruder was in the house. They start it and get the outside dogs going, then everyone is in a frenzy. But there's nothing and nobody there... the dogs are just being weird.

There's been a couple of other strange things, items "falling" off the counter or table, a certain noise that is only made when someone steps on a particular floorboard waking me from sleep *and the dogs are still on the bed with me*, little odd things like that. Maybe it's the winter cabin fever getting to me, I dunno. Anyhow, Muffin just came in to check on me, probably wondering why I don't get my arse in the other room and change that darned channel. Bossy little fudgebomber!

BTW - whoever gave me this 3rd edition of the cold/flu can have it back, thank you. Thank goodness I had some Dayquil in the house - my skin, my hair and my eyeballs hurt, but my temp is raging at 97.1*F. Go figure, I feel like I'm burning up, but it's basically no different than a hot flash. :( Send chicken soup, please. I'm going back to bed, as soon as I change channels for Muffin.

Ninja Grandma

2008-02-11T12:06:00.000-06:00

Today is another bittersweet day for me. I got word, last week, that my ex-MIL had fallen, breaking her neck. She survived that injury and went in to surgery on Friday. Yesterday evening, she flat-lined, was pronounced and a half-hour later, while the nurse was disconnecting the machines, she had a pulse again. My son sent me a text message, declaring Grandma B was a ninja, cheating death. This morning, however, she finally is at peace, pain-free and in a far, far better place. Damn, I'm sure going to miss her. A lot.

She was one of the best people I've ever had the privilege to know and love. Even after her son & I divorced, she insisted that I would always be family, no matter what. Her life was a hard one, but she dealt with each challenge without faltering. She never had a lot of money, but she was generous with whatever she had, often going without if it meant someone else might be blessed. Rarely, did I hear her complain about her lot in life, when it would be simple to go that route. Instead, she tried to maintain a positive outlook on things, which was more inspiring than I think she ever realized.

These past few years, her health hasn't been all that great and she had severe arthritis in nearly every joint. When we spoke on the phone, she'd mention whether it was flaring up, but then changed the subject as quickly as she could to better, brighter topics. I wish I was half the wonderful woman that she has been. When it comes to getting MILs, I was incredibly blessed, because I also got a dear friend. My heart breaks for her sons, her grandchildren and the many people in their community who shall mourn her passing. I'm still a bit numb, but not surprised, after hearing about her injury. I think she was tired and ready to join Grandpa B. She often spoke of how much she missed him, still after the years he's been gone.

Damn straight, I'm going to the funeral, whenever that shall be, in Oklahoma. There's a blizzard going on right now, with 2-5 feet of snow predicted. Definitely not leaving today, but as soon as I know what the plans are for the family, my plan is to be there for a final farewell and try to support the family in whatever way possible. I'll probably stay in touch with Treasa &/or Etainne, to keep ya'll posted, once I'm on the road.

With that, kids - if ya got 'em, go hug your mother & MIL. Every hug counts and someday, you'll be glad that you did.

*Note to Death: that's 3, so leave me the fuc alone!*

Seeing Stars

2008-01-30T00:31:00.002-06:00

For as long as I remember, it's always been fun and fascinating to look to the heavens and watch the stars. I've enjoyed the privilege of viewing stars through some mighty telescopes and hope to someday save enough moolah to buy a nice one for personal use. No, not for peering in my neighbor's windows, but to reacquaint myself with this old pasttime of stargazing. In the meantime, I found a wonderful website that has all sorts of cool tools for anyone who shares my fondness for all things astronomical. I'm going to eventually check out the movie, too... that is mentioned on this site. The neat thing they offer here is a cool real-time star chart, and you can even locate a star that coincides with your birthday... check it out, kids.

Hope you find it as heavenly as I find it.

Seeing in the Dark

Go Here... and be amazed!

2008-01-29T22:40:00.001-06:00

Just spent the past little passage of time, viewing this documentary bit from 60 minutes. How I wish I'd seen the original bit when it aired! If you love our planet and want to take a gander at a real unspoiled bit of Earth, check out the clips. It's a bit of a bother, to watch a bit, close it when Andy pops in with his blather, and then click on the next clip, but well worth it. Especially if you want to see a new species of bird and some gorgeous flora. Really - go there now & be amazed. You won't be sorry (unless you have dial-up), I promise.

60 Minutes Paradise

As for me, doing okay - just trying to deal with the stuff & the VA. In & out of insanity, depression and whatnot. My sleep runs helter-skelter, going from sleeping 10 hours straight through to not being able to sleep at all. Apparently, this is a normal reaction in the grieving process. Checking into going back to school, but not sure what I want to be when I grow up. Peter Pan syndrome, anyone?

Big, tremendous thanks to my dear friends here who have sent cards, emails and incredible gifts that have brought much joy and solace during the past couple of weeks. You know who you are & I appreciate you very much.

It's colder than a well-digger's shovel here, at -10*F, with winds that make it feel like -40* to -50*F. I'm so glad the days are getting longer now. Now, my friends, go watch those vids... very impressive. I hope the big corporations don't ever find out about it!

<3>

Pheasant Under Grass

2008-01-10T18:29:00.000-06:00

That's where I wish that was right now. Instead, I let the great huntress out to go potty again and she did it again. There's a huge pile of feathers and a portion of a wing on my front porch. It's dark out now, so I'll deal with it tomorrow... somehow. It's not as nasty looking as the deer leg, so I'll find a way to dispose of it, hopefully without having to call the neighbor.

Darn bitch, anyway! On another note, I brought one of the boys in from the garage. Anwar, some of you might remember from when he was born in Montana. His mom, Cricket, had the C-section and he was the only surviving pup of the litter of two. It took nearly 4 hours to get him to a point where he was stablized and he was going to make it, following his birth. I gave him mouth-to-mouth for a couple of those hours, just to keep him breathing. Fed him with a bottle for 4 days, until another of our Entles, Kiki, had whelped her litter. Then she adopted him, because Cricket was too freaked out to be a mommy, after her surgery. He's grown into a handsome boy, a little speshul and very sweet.

So, on the night that Alfred/Spouse died, I came home from the nursing home and pulled into the garage. Once the garage door was closed, so I could feed the kids, I put my hand down by the gate, so they could sniff me, as I told them about Daddy passing on to Rainbow Bridge and being with Hawthorne, Gingerbread, Voltar, Heidipants and the few pups that hadn't made it. As soon as they sniffed my hand, they stopped their ruckus and sat down, quietly & in a straight row. They tilted their heads, as I told them how proud of them their Daddy & I have been and how much he loved them. I then proceeded to feed them and they remained quiet for the rest of the night. I should tell you they are not that kind of dog... in the pack situation, they tend to be rowdy and loud, happy dogs.

Since that night, Anwar has begun to lose weight. I was chatting with Treasa about it and she suggested I bring him in and have a heart to heart talk with him. He's been off his food since that night, so I heeded her advise and brought him in. Today he has eaten twice and seems a little bit better. I truly believe he's been grieving for Spouse and feel bad for not paying better attention. Anwar still seems very sad, so we're going to have a good cuddle at bedtime *my dogs make terrific blankets in winter* and I'll have a good long chat with him. Hopefully, he'll start turning around and will be back to his old silly self soon. Poor baby misses his daddy. Thanks, T, for being there and your advise.

These dogs never cease to amaze me! Deer legs, pheasant wings and all, I'm so grateful they are in my life. <3

There's a 3-Legged Deer Out There...

2008-01-06T13:09:00.001-06:00

This morning, I opened the door, as usual, to allow Chikki and Muffin to do their "dooties" outside. Muffin chose to come back in, within minutes, but my darling Chikletz took off for the woods. She was gone so long, despite my calling for her to come home, that I began to worry she might have been shot by some nearby hunters.

She finally returned, moments ago, with a trophy. There is now a bloody deer leg on my front porch, right outside the door. There's a bit of brown paper bag out there, too, so obviously, somebody must have wrapped up the guts and she thought she'd play "great hunter"! She's so proud of her trophy and I'm sooo disgusted!

Spouse always took care of these sort of things... anyone wanna come over and get that nasty dead leg off my porch, please? Please??? Pretty please????

*faints*

How it's been since...

2008-01-05T23:53:00.000-06:00

Okay, it's been nearly 3 weeks since Spouse passed away and the peace that once surrounded me has totally dissipated. Where I once felt a calm presence, right after he died, insanity and fear has taken a firm hold of my mind and senses. A brochure, sent from our vehicle insurance company helped me to understand that many of the emotions and physical things I've been enduring are quite natural, so there is a bit of comfort. Anyway, it helps to know that much of the "stuff" I must deal with takes time and eventually, everything will be okay again. I only hope I survive the stress of the bill collectors banging on my door and phone. Where there was an income last month, there is none this month. The VA cut me off completely, with absolutely no way to pay the bills, until I have filed for widow's compensation. What totally sucks is that when Spouse and I first married, over ten years ago, we were informed that if we remained married for at least ten years, then I would be able to collect 80% of his pension. Now, however, the terms have changed and the amount the VA will be giving me is more like 40%. Yes, I realize that is better than nothing, but what blows about that is any income I make will be deducted from the sum coming from the VA.

I guess what really burns my attitude about that, is if I earn a whopping $500 a month, working minimum wage at the grocery store, then what the VA will give me is going to be $500 less. Why bother clocking in, if I won't be able to get ahead by going to work? I feel so cornered right now, by the mountain of debt which accrued while Spouse was sick this past year, especially while he was in the nursing home. When he was living at home, it was easy to stay away from using the credit cards, but with his hospitalizations and the stay at the nursing home, coupled with rising fuel prices, I often had to resort to charging a tank or ten. The p/t job at the store helped to alleviate the need to charge so many tanks of gas, but barely. As much as I loathe even considering it, it appears I might wind up having to file bankruptcy or something like that. Not a pleasant thought, not for me, since I was always so good at paying our bills. It makes me sick to even think about it. But with the only job available around here that I can do paying such a lowly wage, I don't know what else to do. I've been advised to get a lawyer, but they don't accept bartering for payment normally.

What I'd love to find is some sort of work I could do from home. Something which pays a living wage, something I could do at my own pace, that doesn't require me to burn up a tank of gas getting to & fro. So, I've searched the internet for possibilities and have found a plethora of scams promising this and that, sadly. If that doesn't depress a person, what will? How about learning that the VA has informed my *dead* husband that they apparently feel they overpaid him the last three months of his life and he must now repay the amount? Only nearly a grand that they are requesting. *sigh* How about learning the mortgage insurance that he was supposed to get, was never gotten? That, and I must somehow come up with the funds for a new title, since his name must be removed from the current title on our home? The auto insurance rates will now go up, too, since I'm the only driver on the policy. Let's not forget that lovely speeding ticket I got last November, too, which will cause yet another increase in my auto insurance in April. I feel so... f*#@%!!! It all seems so hopeless right now. Absolutely, utterly hopeless.

My dear sister flew in to stay with me, so I wouldn't be alone during the "day at the funeral home" and the holidays. I was glad she was here, providing lots of diversions and support. We went to the movies on Christmas day, watching two flicks. Her choice was "I Am Legend", which was a bit of a let down, after all the hype on the tv trailers. It was okay, but we both thought it could have been much better, considering the budget they had. The second movie, my choice, was "Alvin and the Chipmunks". I sooo want to own this movie! It made me laugh out loud, repeatedly and I thoroughly recommend it to anyone, of any age. It was just so cute, even if there was less budget spent on it than the first movie we watched. *smile*

Dear Sister also suggested we head out to a casino, so I humored her... three times. The first night we went out was the Sunday that we had a small "memorial visitation" at the funeral home for the community. I took advantage of the event to kind of dress up, in my finest black skirt & shirt, my favorite black granny boots and a new shawl that I'd never worn. Love this new shawl, created by my favorite designer... "Clearance!". ;) Four of my co-workers from the store showed up, stayed for awhile and we chatted about Spouse and other things *read that: other people at the store* One funny thing that made us all giggle that evening was when our mail delivery person showed up. He was the first person to ring the bell at the funeral home's front door, according to the sign that instructs folks to do just that. The Funeral Director *FD* opened the door, the mailman stepped across the thresh-hold and his belt broke. Now, he's lost a lot of weight lately, so the second his belt broke, his pants slid down, airing his kneecaps for all to see! Of course, he was thoroughly embarrassed and I felt so bad for him. He came on in to the room where we had a small buffet of meats & cheeses, a veggie platter and some Christmas cookies for folks to munch on. BTW - a huge thank you to Treasa & her sister, Etainne, for sending the meat/cheese/veggie platters - I really appreciated your kindness so very much! So, here's the sweet old mailman, clutching desperately at his trousers, trying to be somber and respectful, with a room full of ladies (the girls from work came in right behind him - *gawk!!*) giggling and snickering as quietly as they could. Poor man. Bless his heart, he offered his sincere condolences and scrammed as fast as he could. Nobody blamed him one bit! The girls from work left after a bit, just as my neighbors down the road showed up. I was glad to see my neighbors, knowing they'd probably driven like crazy to get there in time, since they'd had a commitment in Minnesota earlier that day. It was time to leave, soon enough, so Sis & I gathered up the food trays, the couple of plants that the FD discovered in another room that were sent to me and headed home. We unloaded the Jeep and I changed into more appropriate clothing for the bitter weather.

This is the second time I've gone to the Casino, but the first time really didn't count. Spouse & I had gone there once, to check out the buffet, but it was closed when we got there, so we turned around and went someplace else to eat. I am not one to gamble, especially since I knew things were going to be really tight financially for a long time. So Sis handed me some money and told me to just have fun. With her money, I won a whopping $40, which was kind of cool. It would have been more, but she urged me to keep playing, but once I realized my winning streak was short-lived, I quit. Sis, however, played all of her money, winning and losing, winning and losing for the couple of hours we were there. She was down to her last $20 and I suggested we just go home. She mentioned that she "felt" the $5 machines calling to her and I tried to talk her out of playing them. Instead, she walked straight over to one of them and put a $5 in. She won $175 on that! I was floored by her good fortune. She then played a couple more fivers in the same machine, then decided to try the machine next to it. I *for some weird reason* panicked and told her to try the next one, instead. She put ten bucks in it and won $345! THAT just blows my mind! She handed me a fifty and was giggling all the way to the parking lot. Silly girl should have quit while she was ahead, because she didn't do very good the next two nights, winding up with handing all of that easy money right back to the casino. Still, we had some fun and that's what we intended. A couple of times I've had the thought enter my head that maybe I should go out to the casino and try my luck... but better sense takes over, when I think about the gas it would take, the probability of me losing my shirt and how dreadfully worse I'd feel when I come home poorer than I'd been before leaving the comfort of my home.

Anyway, the remainder of Sis's visit went too quickly. She helped me go through all of Spouse's clothing, bagging up the jackets, shirts, socks and pants that might benefit others. Spouse had a lot of coats and thick shirts, which I am hoping will bless the homeless or less fortunate this winter. They are all in the living room waiting for me to take them to some organization which might distribute them freely. I've saved some of his shirts and boxers, for future use in a quilt. Not sure when I'll get to that, but eventually, I'm thinking I'll make a small quilt for each of his sisters, so they can have that to remember him by. In the meantime, I've been going through other things, trying to figure out what can be sold, so I might put a dimple in the debt.

While the beginning of my post probably sounds like a huge pity party, my friend will recognize that I just needed someplace to vent. Since my sister left, I've been alone here. When Spouse first died, there were lots of phone calls and friends from all over said, "... if there's anything I can do... anything... let me know." I can't, in any way, see me calling them up now and asking for any sort of financial help. Nope - my husband loved me and I know he really thought he was doing a good job of taking care of me, just like he promised he always would. It's not his fault the VA changed certain things. All I can figure is he thought it was not a good idea to get the mortgage insurance *???* when we bought the house. When I have called some friends, after Sis went home, I have found myself wondering if they are already tired of listening to me babble on, when conversation used to come so easily. Maybe it's just my imagination, but the last thing I want to do is alienate my friends by being overly needy. So, I have spent the past couple of days, wishing I could blog about this, but forgetting I had this blog going here. The other blog I have is messed up right now, preventing me from being able to unload, even if it's just to an audience of me. Thank goodness this one is here.

Oh yeah, I probably have lost my job at the store, too. On Thursday, I called the boss, basically because I was in a panic over the finances, and told him I could come back to work part time. I did ask if he would be able to pay me any better if I worked full time and he said no. I went in Thursday evening and checked out the schedule, learning that I was going to have to work that one shift that I absolutely loathe.. the one where sweeping and mopping the entire store is included. Not that I mind doing that back-breaking task, but I do find myself resenting the other part-time cashier who works that night lounging up at the register, reading magazines while I'm breaking a sweat and my back! I don't really care if I lose the job, not right now. The thought of going back to work had my stomach in such a knot and it's gone now, since I called the boss and told him I couldn't come in yet, after all. My energy will be better spent in trying to find a decent paying job someplace. Or inhaling/exhaling until the tears stop.

Ah well, that's the past couple of weeks in a nutshell. If anyone has any suggestions as to how I can earn money, especially from home, that doesn't involve being a "telephone actress", feel free to let me know. Thank you, also, to my many friends who have continued to keep me in their thoughts and prayers. Your love is felt and treasured. I know everything, with time, will be okay and all I have to do is hang in there - one day at a time.

In Loving Memory

2007-12-18T16:36:00.008-06:00

My True Love Hath My Heart

My true-love hath my heart, and I have his,
By just exchange one for another given:
I hold his dear, and mine he cannot miss,
There never was a better bargain driven.
My true-love hath my heart.

His heart in me keeps him and me in one.
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides:
He loves my heart, for once it was his own.
I cherish his because in me it bides.
My true-love hath my heart

His heart is shattered, because mine passed away peacefully yesterday afternoon, December 17th at 3:25 pm. We were together until the very bittersweet end and he suffers no longer. It has been an incredible privilege to be his wife, his lover and partner for the past decade. We have both been blessed by so many, having had so many prayers and positive thoughts sent our way, especially during this past year. Alfred wanted me to express his gratitude to those who have "been here" for us both and my own gratitude joins his. Thank you all for your continued prayers, hugs, love and support. Each of you, just like my beloved was, is a gift from the God of my Understanding to me.

2007-12-10T10:06:00.000-06:00

that's what the nurse told me, when I phoned from work a couple of days ago, to check on Spouse. Those old symptoms, which we have seen before, a few times this year, that we'd discovered were caused by a UTI (urinary tract infection) have returned again. So, I told the doctor & his care management team about the previous episodes and what was done to bring Spouse back to better condition. So, they took a sample of blood & urine for lab work.

It's not another UTI, but it is what it is. Spouse is getting nearer to the end, so please excuse my absence. He tells me he feels the end is near and he is tired, ready and the only thing that keeps him here is his worry for me. I told him to not worry over me, but to go when he is ready & to remember my faith in our Higher Power to meet my needs. Spouse can watch over me, from where it is he goes from here and I shall have comfort in knowing he is looking out for me.

My boss knows that I won't be able to work pretty soon, even on a part-time basis. I've got to work 4 days this week, but I've informed him that in the next week(s), it will be impossible for me to work two days in a row, as he's got me scheduled this week. Spouse told me he is afraid I won't be there, when the time comes & I've promised to be at his side.

Much to do now - get the dogs' care arranged, get through this week of work and figure out where the extra gas money will come from. Oh yeah - they (the nursing home) moved Spouse to a different room. It's at the end of another hall and that blasted buzzer which signals the staff to a resident needing assistance is no longer blaring outside of his room door! The new room is painted a nice color, is very quiet and his window is much larger.

Yesterday, while I was there, we were watching the flock of birds that frequent his feeders that are hung just outside his window. Suddenly, they all flew away and we saw a large bird land on the bush below the feeders. I looked, surprised, and discovered a hawk had lighted on the bush! It was a beautiful hawk and Spouse was thrilled to see it. That was nice, but I cannot help but wonder if the hawk was some sort of omen, a sign of things to come.

Must get ready for work now, so I hope you all know that you remain in my thoughts. If I knew how to insert a shoutbox, I would. Feel free to leave your hellos & such in this post & I'll check them when able. Love y'all!

2007-11-27T22:59:00.003-06:00

How evil am I? Sometimes, I wonder. The past few days have been tiring, to say the very least. My new job is exhausting work, but I love it & the people I get to wait on. My feet and lower back are screaming by the end of my shifts, but I actually have fun, real fun, meeting the people and getting to know my co-workers. Sure, there are aspects of the job that I already dislike, but I think that's because my body is so out of shape and the shelf stocking is so labor intensive. Anyway, it's been a nice reprieve from the isolation I lived in for the past few years. Spouse & I shared such a lovely Thanksgiving day together, if one is able to forget the awful grub served by the nursing home for dinner. Cooking our own turkey and dragging along a can of the cranberry sauce proved to be one of my better ideas this month. I was able to get one of the staff to open the can of whole cranberries sauce and we we celebrated that lovely tradition that began when we first moved from our huge home in Bellingham, WA to the shitty trailer in Plains, MT. When the time to serve our first official "trailer trash Thanksgiving dinner" came, I was perplexed as to whether it was proper to serve the cranberry sauce from yet another dish to wash by hand, or serve it directly from the can. We opted, being newly arrived at our long awaited dream of becoming official trailer trash, to serve the delicious sauce straight from the can. And, since that first TTT, we've continued with the tradition. It's a running holiday joke my beloved and I have shared, one that has never failed to bring a twinkle to our eyes and sly smiles to our faces. The dietary aide at the nursing home was fairly stressed and did not seem to give much of a ripped rat's ass about our tradition, but she still begrudingly opened the tin for me. The cook, however, grinned when I explained the can, even though there were teeny plastic cups with dollops of the nearly clear & berry-less sauce sitting at each table. She acknowledged that it was a nice idea for me to bring some of my own home cooking for this special dinner and to include our cute little tradition of the canned cranberry goodies. We had a nice enough dinner that day, at least with the dessert and the food I'd brought from home. Our visit was nice and the day went too fast. I had to leave, as I do each time I visit, with enough time for me to drive the speed limit and still have some daylight to watch out for deer on the road. It kind of sucks, having to leave a little earlier in the day than before, because I might as well be stone cold blind as far as anything in the peripheal of the headlights when I drive at night. Must be a part of getting older, I suppose. Anyhow, I took the following day off, to give myself a day of rest, since I'd not had one in quite awhile. When I awoke, my plan was to get dressed, slam some java and get back on the road to see Spouse once again. As soon as I tried to sit up in bed, my sciatica told me a different plan. If I planned on working Saturday, as I was scheduled, then I needed to stay home and relax, as best I could. So, I called Spouse and let him know what was going on. He said he understood, sort of, and I stayed in my jammies until late in the day. My legs were finally relenting and allowing me to stand straighter, with less pain and I drove to Watertown, to do a teeny bit of Christmas shopping. Actually, I went there for one thing and found it... the last one on the shelf! It's a little something, which shall remain nameless for now, in case my grandson's mom knows about my blog. I knew that part of the stress that was tightening up my sciatica was due to not having the time to do ANY Christmas shopping, since I am expected to be at Spouse's side when I am not at work. That's mostly a presumption of my own, since few of his family & friends have actually come out and asked why or how I could stand to be anyplace but near him when he's so ill. A couple of his friends have brought up the subject and were rewarded with THE LOOK. Once they've spent a bit of time with him, now that he's more easily agitated and just downright mean, they seem to have a better understanding of how & why I am able to tear myself away from him for a few hours a week. *pfffft* On Friday, when I was at home/shopping, Spouse had someone at the nursing home take him to a doctor, since his regular doc at the home was gone for the holiday weekend. This new doctor upped the pain meds for Spouse, because his liver contractions were increasingly getting worse and more frequent. I'd noticed this when I spent the day with him the preceding Thursday and suggested he mention the increased pain and timing to his doctor. The thing this new doctor didn't take into consideration, when upping the dosage, was the ability of Spouse's liver to assimilate the increased dosage. I visited Spouse again on Sunday and he was difficult the majority of our visit. He seems so angry all the time and takes it out on me and the staff, constantly. I do understand that his pain plays a huge role in how he reacts, as well as his inability to do basic math now. In saying basic math, I mean he has trouble keeping facts straight, days & times confuse him and his memory is really beginning to suffer. He gets one visit confused with another, to the point he told one of the nurses that I hadn't seen him on Sunday because I had the flu. The reason I know about this conversation is because the nurse called me Sunday evening, to report that Spouse had fallen, when he tried to get from his wheelchair into a regular chair about an hour before she called me. He was blabbering incoherently, unable to walk on his own and was clearly over-medicated! The new doc had upped the prescription to 20mg of morphine each hour, as needed. Spouse took that to mean that he was now able to have it every hour, whether needed or not. I know he was thinking it would be better to stay on top of the pain, rather than wait until he could feel it coming on, but what happened was his liver was unable to assimilate such a high dosage, with such frequency after awhile. Bear in mind, Spouse was getting the same dosage, every two hours, prior to the new uppage. That, along with the phentynol (sp?) patch that was increased from 50 to 75, and the 30mg of slow-release morphine that Spouse gets twice a day. *the 20mg is the instant release kind* The nurse told me that she wasn't going to give Spouse any more morphine that night, until he wakes up, which happened around 3 a.m. His last dose was at 8 pm and that was the one that sent him soaring with eagles. With that episode now behind us, Spouse has realized, in some small way, that he was watching the clock to get his pain meds, instead of listening to his body. If/when I try to approach the subject now, he gets really hostile and totally pisses me off. I see someone who has a problem - a major problem - with his morphine and it's a two-edged sword. He cannot function without the morphine, because of the tremendous pain he is in, yet his liver is proving incapable of handling the amount needed to control the pain. It's really difficult for me to decipher whether Spouse is actually in pain because of his liver failing, or if he's in pain because he's addicted to the morphine and he just may be going through withdrawals when certain levels aren't maintained. I don't know. I don't know. I just plain don't freaking know and it sets upon my shoulders like a huge, heavy, stone gargoyle. Today I went to see him again, resenting having to leave our home and brace myself against the frigid temperatures. When I awoke at 8 a.m., it was a frosty 2*F here in Clark, and only a few temps warmer (4*F) in Redfield. Going outside was certainly NOT something I planned to enjoy, and I didn't. Perhaps I have mentioned previously to my friends here, how much I absolutely loathe cold? Really, really loathe it, especially if it hits the back of my neck, which nearly always throws my back muscles into spasms. I truly appreciate those heated seats in the Jeep even more now! Anyhow... back to my original question when I began this excerpt of my life... am I evil? Today, Spouse was thinking that eventually he would outlive the contract which the VA has with the nursing home and he'd have to go back to the VA hospital, until the contract was renewed. He told me & the social services director of the facility that he refuses to return to the VA hospital, but instead he would rather come home to die. He would merely ask his sister (who cannot afford it, nor would she want to leave her own husband alone for that long) to come stay with us to help me out. I told him I would have to quit my job, if he insists on coming home. He seems to think that wouldn't be necessary, if his sister was there to help out. The thing is, she's not in much better health than me, as far as strength of the physical nature is concerned. There's also the fact that our home is ill-equipped to deal with his needs, especially when he gets to the end, the very end, stages of his disease. So, I called his sister tonight and we talked about his rantings (he was yelling and ranting, when he divulged his plan to go home) and whether we felt we'd be able to fulfill his wishes. Here is where the gut & heart honesty come into play, folks, and it isn't pretty. I don't want him to come home to die. My love for him has not faltered a whit, but the thought of him coming home to die scares the shit out of me. I haven't forgotten how difficult life was when he was at home the last time and he got so sick. Does he expect me to let him lay in a bed and die, if he could live longer in a facility that provides round the clock care for him? I guess he does. He has already pretty much outlived the VA docs' prognosis and is going into his third month of Hospice care. Those doctors thought he'd be lucky to live two months, let alone four. He has begun to make a slow, progressive turn toward the downward spiral and the waiting makes him so angry. I get that. I really do. The problem is, he's not the only one who has been waiting (not happily expecting, please bear in mind) and dealing with the slow, lingering crawl of the Grim Reaper to his bedside. This man, who bears the name of my beloved, whom I have visited as often as possible, is not the man I married. The man I married was intense, passionate about many things, but was not a mean spirited person. My husband was thoughtful and generous, often putting the needs of others before himself. He cared about other people. This man that I visit curses at other residents, often saying awful, hateful things about them. This stranger who telephones me is my beloved, my darling and my tormentor, all tied into one human. It's obvious to me, he thinks if he comes home, he might die sooner, than later. I wouldn't be surprised if he has some not so ingenious plan hidden in the deepest corners of his befuddled mind, something devious which might even speed up the process. He knows that if he were at home, there would be plenty of opportunities for him to fall again, where he would only hurt himself further. Or perhaps he might "accidentally" take too much of his medicine, when left alone in his room for a potty break... who knows? All I am sure of, whether this fact makes me the evil bitch some might see me as, is I would rather continue dealing with the stress of driving so far to visit him, on my days off, than have him come home to die. I feel quite certain his life has been extended, thus far, because he's getting the round the clock care that I cannot give him at home. He wants to come home to die. I think he's being a selfish bastard for asking this of me. As much as I love him truly, I hope death comes more quickly for him, so that his misery might be ended. For those of you who might be offended by my honesty, I shall not apologize. Feel free to wear my shoes, when you exit & take your bowel movements with you. To those of you with far more understanding, thank you, bless you & I miss you more than words can express. I'm so tired, kids... and it's not even December, yet!

My Guts on a Platter

2007-11-27T22:59:00.002-06:00

How evil am I? Sometimes, I wonder. The past few days have been tiring, to say the very least. My new job is exhausting work, but I love it & the people I get to wait on. My feet and lower back are screaming by the end of my shifts, but I actually have fun, real fun, meeting the people and getting to know my co-workers. Sure, there are aspects of the job that I already dislike, but I think that's because my body is so out of shape and the shelf stocking is so labor intensive. Anyway, it's been a nice reprieve from the isolation I lived in for the past few years.

Spouse & I shared such a lovely Thanksgiving day together, if one is able to forget the awful grub served by the nursing home for dinner. Cooking our own turkey and dragging along a can of the cranberry sauce proved to be one of my better ideas this month. I was able to get one of the staff to open the can of whole cranberries sauce and we we celebrated that lovely tradition that began when we first moved from our huge home in Bellingham, WA to the shitty trailer in Plains, MT.

When the time to serve our first official "trailer trash Thanksgiving dinner" came, I was perplexed as to whether it was proper to serve the cranberry sauce from yet another dish to wash by hand, or serve it directly from the can. We opted, being newly arrived at our long awaited dream of becoming official trailer trash, to serve the delicious sauce straight from the can. And, since that first TTT, we've continued with the tradition. It's a running holiday joke my beloved and I have shared, one that has never failed to bring a twinkle to our eyes and sly smiles to our faces.

The dietary aide at the nursing home was fairly stressed and did not seem to give much of a ripped rat's ass about our tradition, but she still begrudingly opened the tin for me. The cook, however, grinned when I explained the can, even though there were teeny plastic cups with dollops of the nearly clear & berry-less sauce sitting at each table. She acknowledged that it was a nice idea for me to bring some of my own home cooking for this special dinner and to include our cute little tradition of the canned cranberry goodies.

We had a nice enough dinner that day, at least with the dessert and the food I'd brought from home. Our visit was nice and the day went too fast. I had to leave, as I do each time I visit, with enough time for me to drive the speed limit and still have some daylight to watch out for deer on the road. It kind of sucks, having to leave a little earlier in the day than before, because I might as well be stone cold blind as far as anything in the peripheal of the headlights when I drive at night. Must be a part of getting older, I suppose.

Anyhow, I took the following day off, to give myself a day of rest, since I'd not had one in quite awhile. When I awoke, my plan was to get dressed, slam some java and get back on the road to see Spouse once again. As soon as I tried to sit up in bed, my sciatica told me a different plan. If I planned on working Saturday, as I was scheduled, then I needed to stay home and relax, as best I could. So, I called Spouse and let him know what was going on. He said he understood, sort of, and I stayed in my jammies until late in the day. My legs were finally relenting and allowing me to stand straighter, with less pain and I drove to Watertown, to do a teeny bit of Christmas shopping. Actually, I went there for one thing and found it... the last one on the shelf! It's a little something, which shall remain nameless for now, in case my grandson's mom knows about my blog. I knew that part of the stress that was tightening up my sciatica was due to not having the time to do ANY Christmas shopping, since I am expected to be at Spouse's side when I am not at work. That's mostly a presumption of my own, since few of his family & friends have actually come out and asked why or how I could stand to be anyplace but near him when he's so ill. A couple of his friends have brought up the subject and were rewarded with THE LOOK. Once they've spent a bit of time with him, now that he's more easily agitated and just downright mean, they seem to have a better understanding of how & why I am able to tear myself away from him for a few hours a week. *pfffft*

On Friday, when I was at home/shopping, Spouse had someone at the nursing home take him to a doctor, since his regular doc at the home was gone for the holiday weekend. This new doctor upped the pain meds for Spouse, because his liver contractions were increasingly getting worse and more frequent. I'd noticed this when I spent the day with him the preceding Thursday and suggested he mention the increased pain and timing to his doctor. The thing this new doctor didn't take into consideration, when upping the dosage, was the ability of Spouse's liver to assimilate the increased dosage. I visited Spouse again on Sunday and he was difficult the majority of our visit. He seems so angry all the time and takes it out on me and the staff, constantly. I do understand that his pain plays a huge role in how he reacts, as well as his inability to do basic math now. In saying basic math, I mean he has trouble keeping facts straight, days & times confuse him and his memory is really beginning to suffer. He gets one visit confused with another, to the point he told one of the nurses that I hadn't seen him on Sunday because I had the flu.

The reason I know about this conversation is because the nurse called me Sunday evening, to report that Spouse had fallen, when he tried to get from his wheelchair into a regular chair about an hour before she called me. He was blabbering incoherently, unable to walk on his own and was clearly over-medicated! The new doc had upped the prescription to 20mg of morphine each hour, as needed. Spouse took that to mean that he was now able to have it every hour, whether needed or not. I know he was thinking it would be better to stay on top of the pain, rather than wait until he could feel it coming on, but what happened was his liver was unable to assimilate such a high dosage, with such frequency after awhile. Bear in mind, Spouse was getting the same dosage, every two hours, prior to the new uppage. That, along with the phentynol (sp?) patch that was increased from 50 to 75, and the 30mg of slow-release morphine that Spouse gets twice a day. *the 20mg is the instant release kind* The nurse told me that she wasn't going to give Spouse any more morphine that night, until he wakes up, which happened around 3 a.m. His last dose was at 8 pm and that was the one that sent him soaring with eagles.

With that episode now behind us, Spouse has realized, in some small way, that he was watching the clock to get his pain meds, instead of listening to his body. If/when I try to approach the subject now, he gets really hostile and totally pisses me off. I see someone who has a problem - a major problem - with his morphine and it's a two-edged sword. He cannot function without the morphine, because of the tremendous pain he is in, yet his liver is proving incapable of handling the amount needed to control the pain. It's really difficult for me to decipher whether Spouse is actually in pain because of his liver failing, or if he's in pain because he's addicted to the morphine and he just may be going through withdrawals when certain levels aren't maintained. I don't know. I don't know. I just plain don't freaking know and it sets upon my shoulders like a huge, heavy, stone gargoyle.

Today I went to see him again, resenting having to leave our home and brace myself against the frigid temperatures. When I awoke at 8 a.m., it was a frosty 2*F here in Clark, and only a few temps warmer (4*F) in Redfield. Going outside was certainly NOT something I planned to enjoy, and I didn't. Perhaps I have mentioned previously to my friends here, how much I absolutely loathe cold? Really, really loathe it, especially if it hits the back of my neck, which nearly always throws my back muscles into spasms. I truly appreciate those heated seats in the Jeep even more now!

Anyhow... back to my original question when I began this excerpt of my life... am I evil? Today, Spouse was thinking that eventually he would outlive the contract which the VA has with the nursing home and he'd have to go back to the VA hospital, until the contract was renewed. He told me & the social services director of the facility that he refuses to return to the VA hospital, but instead he would rather come home to die. He would merely ask his sister (who cannot afford it, nor would she want to leave her own husband alone for that long) to come stay with us to help me out. I told him I would have to quit my job, if he insists on coming home. He seems to think that wouldn't be necessary, if his sister was there to help out. The thing is, she's not in much better health than me, as far as strength of the physical nature is concerned. There's also the fact that our home is ill-equipped to deal with his needs, especially when he gets to the end, the very end, stages of his disease.

So, I called his sister tonight and we talked about his rantings (he was yelling and ranting, when he divulged his plan to go home) and whether we felt we'd be able to fulfill his wishes. Here is where the gut & heart honesty come into play, folks, and it isn't pretty. I don't want him to come home to die. My love for him has not faltered a whit, but the thought of him coming home to die scares the shit out of me. I haven't forgotten how difficult life was when he was at home the last time and he got so sick. Does he expect me to let him lay in a bed and die, if he could live longer in a facility that provides round the clock care for him? I guess he does. He has already pretty much outlived the VA docs' prognosis and is going into his third month of Hospice care. Those doctors thought he'd be lucky to live two months, let alone four. He has begun to make a slow, progressive turn toward the downward spiral and the waiting makes him so angry. I get that. I really do. The problem is, he's not the only one who has been waiting (not happily expecting, please bear in mind) and dealing with the slow, lingering crawl of the Grim Reaper to his bedside. This man, who bears the name of my beloved, whom I have visited as often as possible, is not the man I married. The man I married was intense, passionate about many things, but was not a mean spirited person. My husband was thoughtful and generous, often putting the needs of others before himself. He cared about other people. This man that I visit curses at other residents, often saying awful, hateful things about them. This stranger who telephones me is my beloved, my darling and my tormentor, all tied into one human.

It's obvious to me, he thinks if he comes home, he might die sooner, than later. I wouldn't be surprised if he has some not so ingenious plan hidden in the deepest corners of his befuddled mind, something devious which might even speed up the process. He knows that if he were at home, there would be plenty of opportunities for him to fall again, where he would only hurt himself further. Or perhaps he might "accidentally" take too much of his medicine, when left alone in his room for a potty break... who knows? All I am sure of, whether this fact makes me the evil bitch some might see me as, is I would rather continue dealing with the stress of driving so far to visit him, on my days off, than have him come home to die. I feel quite certain his life has been extended, thus far, because he's getting the round the clock care that I cannot give him at home. He wants to come home to die. I think he's being a selfish bastard for asking this of me. As much as I love him truly, I hope death comes more quickly for him, so that his misery might be ended.

For those of you who might be offended by my honesty, I shall not apologize. Feel free to wear my shoes, when you exit & take your bowel movements with you. To those of you with far more understanding, thank you, bless you & I miss you more than words can express. I'm so tired, kids... and it's not even December, yet!

D'Jever Have Days?

2007-11-11T21:47:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning, I woke up around 9 am, thinking I didn't have to be at work until noon. The phone rang at a quarter past 9, with one of my coworkers on the line. She asked me if I was okay & I responded with a puzzled yes. Then she asked me if I knew what time I was supposed to work... and laughed when I answered with a noon reply. Uhm... nope! Was supposed to be there at 9 a.m! Dang it! The entire day, at work, I was just sort of "out of it" and don't know why. My register kept futzing up on me, even when I did things right! The scanner constantly kept scanning produce incorrectly, even when I entered the correct produce code # into the register. At first I thought I was actually the one screwing up, each & every time, until another gal came in, a co-worker on her day off. She told me the machines had been acting loopy the night before, when she was working, so that helped me feel a tad better about it all.

Then today, on my way to go see Spouse, I was just coming over the top of a hill and saw a highway patrol trooper heading eastbound, in the opposite lane. I immediately took my foot off the gas and let the Jeep go into slow coast mode, but since I was now headed in a downhill direction, it made little difference. I watched him turn around, in my rear view mirror, then eventually pull up behind me with his pretty lights blinking blue & red. I stopped, turned off the vehicle and rolled down my window. After he checked my license, registration & insurance papers, he told me to go sit in his car with him.

He clocked me doing 77 in a 65 mph zone & I really couldn't argue, since I was sure he must have caught me doing the 80 mph that I saw on my speedometer at the top of the hill. That Jeep just sails, compared to the old Toylet and I have often caught myself going way faster than I mean to be going, since I got it. Going to have to watch that, from now on. I was so upset, though, about getting caught, about being such an idiot and even more so, knowing that my prayers weren't going to do any good with this guy. Try as hard as I might to hold my tears back, I began crying in his car. I was doing fine, until he asked where I was going in such a hurry. When I told him I was on my way to visit my husband, who was in the Redfield nursing home in Hospice Care (wouldn't you play every card you had, to get out of a ticket?), he then said that he'd hurry for me, so I could get on my way. Nice guy. He then had the gall to inquire why my husband was in a Redfield nursing home, since we live in Clark. I mentioned the VA put him there & there being no contract with the Clark facility, so we were at the VA's mercy. Nice trooper (with a tad too much cologne, btw) then asked me to offer his thanks to my veteran husband, for his service to our country. Yeah, right.

Now I have to either go to court & hope the judge will have some mercy on me, or else mail in the check for $109 for the ticket. That's just $12 less than what I got on my first paycheck! *sigh* Spouse wants me to fight it, plead my case before the judge. I know I was speeding & feel paying the ticket is the best way to go. Did I learn anything from this? Yep - I really need to slow down on the road, pay better attention. I realize that a mere ticket is probably a helluva lot cheaper than a hospital bill might be if I'd wrecked or something. I've got a few days before I have to either pay the ticket or show up in court to plead mercy. Should I pass the hat?

In the meanwhile, Spouse has had some friends from Washington visiting him today. Another friend of his is supposed to show up tomorrow. Maybe I'm weird, but since I don't really know these folks, I haven't invited them to stay here at the house. I am just not comfortable with the idea of them having to leave my home unlocked while they go do whatever. There's that and the fact that my dogs, Chikki & Muffin would bark non-stop at them, the entire time they were here, whether I was at home or at work. Plus, the house is a mess, since it's basically just a crash pad for me, between work and the Redfield roadtrips. I don't want the extra work of playing hostess at home, so I haven't opened my doors to his friends. Am I a cad for not sharing my home with these strangers that think so highly of my husband?

It would be different, if these folks had stayed in touch over the past ten years, while Spouse & I were married, but I only met them once at my wedding! That, to me, does not constitute a friendship, as far as I'm concerned. His other pals that have come to visit, some of them, at least, have always been welcome in our home, because I know them. They have stayed in contact, come for visits, telephoned with some frequency. I know they are used to the dogs and they would use extra caution when exiting, to keep my dogs from getting loose. I think the bottome line here is that I just don't want to have to straighten up the house for anyone, until I absolutely have to. I just don't have the energy or the time.

Speaking of time, I better get to bed, so I will be somewhat rested for work tomorrow. I don't have to be there until noon... I think.

an update

2007-11-07T11:50:00.000-06:00

The new job is great! I come home from work very tired, very sore and feeling quite
productive. The first week, I only worked 3 days, which is fine by me. That gives me plenty of time to visit Spouse and get things done around the homestead. There has been a lot to learn, like certain codes to enter into the register for the produce, selling the lotto tickets and the like. Most of the customers are surprised to learn I've lived here for over 3 years, too. I'm learning which customers are favorites and the few who are chronically difficult to wait upon. My co-workers are a nice lot, mostly women my age, with the exception of a few school kids who work part-time evenings and weekends. I had no idea there was so much heavy work that goes on behind the scenes, too. On stock days, when the shipments come in, we must haul tons of foodstuffs from the back rooms of the store to the front, where we must quickly rotate the old stock to the front, clean the shelf and then put the newer supply in back, then restock the older goods. Rotate, kids! Rotate!

Since there's already a gal named Kim at the store, the bookkeeper has taken to calling me by a shorter derivative of my first name. THAT makes life interesting, as I am getting used to not responding when Kim is paged to come help check or do a courtesy *bagging and carry-out*. It's kind of funny, at least to me, how for years I've loved the name that I am now being known as at work. Always wished folks would call me by that, and now my wish is a fact. Cool, for me. :D

Spouse is holding his own, but has begun the slow, painful spiral downward again. He's now having good mornings and bad evenings. If I tell him something at night, I must tell him again the next morning or he won't remember it at all. He is having more and more pain, so much that they have doubled his phentanol patch and giving him morphine to help it cover the pain level he has. He's getting more & more agitated with some of the other residents at the nursing home, too. Not good, since he gets quite vocal about his irritations. It seems he has a level of paranoia, too, thinking the staff at the nursing home is "out to do him in". I've made friends with a few of the more cognizant residents who tell me that the staff is very attentive to my husband and he just seems to not understand when the staff is trying to be kind and helpful. Hence, I find myself apologizing to the staff at every turn, for his outbursts and rude accusations. They are very understanding, so that helps to alleviate some of my distress.

Got my Jeep back from the mechanics and it runs great now. The heater works *yeah!* and I'm glad to have such a road-worthy rig now. I plan on selling our Suburban, the pick-up truck and some of Spouse's tools. Anyone want to buy a lathe? The money I make from those sells, I'll apply toward my Jeep payments &/or other bills, so that I won't have the big money woes that I'd be facing, otherwise, once Spouse has passed. It sucks that he wasn't able to get some good insurance, but at least I am able to work, so things won't be quite as frightening as they might be if I couldn't. It's probably in bad taste to mention things like this, but it's my life & something that has been on my mind. My blog, too, so there ya go.

Now that I'm working at the grocery store, I've learned about another place that is hiring, constantly *there's a clue for ya*, but they have excellent benefits, plus. If I could get on there, for just two 12 hours shifts a week, I can receive full benefits, so I'm leaning very strongly in that direction. It's a government facility, so the pay would be excellent, in comparison to what I earn at the store, too. Very tempting. The only drawback is, the facility is at least 40+ miles from me, actually in the same town as the nursing home where Spouse currently resides. I wouldn't want to apply there until after he is gone, however, so that I will still have some days to spend with him. It feels as if time is racing faster and faster, especially now that I am working outside the home. Perhaps, it is because winter is fast looming upon us, with the days getting dark earlier and the cold winds rushing across the prairies.

We had our first snow of the season just two days ago, on Monday. Nothing to write home about, but it was still blustery & cold. I'm going to have to find a way to keep my neck warm, but still be dressed within the "uniform" of black slacks & white shirts. Turtleneck sweaters always feel like they are choking me *must've been hung or beheaded in a previous life... ;)* so I've got to come up with another solution. As long as I can keep my neck and back warm, the cold doesn't bother me. Once either gets a chill, though, I usually wind up with a horrid headache.

Anyways - I have to begin getting ready for work now, so that's it, in a large nutshell. I've gotten way behind on my alerts, so will probably have to just do a group delete & hope my friends understand. Once life settles down (it will, won't it?), maybe I can keep up again. I miss reading up on what's going on in everyone's lives and hope you all are doing well. I'll peek in when I can. And someday, I will figure out how to add a shoutbox, too. Someday... for now, I send you all hugs, loves and warm lurgles. Happy Turkey Day, too - if I don't see you before then!!

I Believe

2007-10-22T15:43:00.000-05:00

A few folks have posted vids of songs they like a lot, so I did some snooping on YouTube and found one of my most favorite. Bear in mind, I have a rather diverse appreciation of music genres, so don't be surprised if I might have everything from C/W to Billy Idol to some Italian Tenor blasting out of my speakers at any given moment. While I hoped to be able to embed the vid in my blog, that option has been disabled by request, per YouTube. I can however, share the link with you & hope you enjoy the song as much as I. It gives me goosebumps, it's such a powerfully sung tune and the vid is pretty nice, too. :)

I Believe

A Blog gone to the Dogs

2007-10-22T09:48:00.000-05:00

I was just futzing around YouTube and ran across these vids. Both of them cracked me up, even though they are sooo different. The funny thing is, the second one has characters that make me think about some of my efx2blogs friends! You know who you are!!! ;) Enjoy!

Job Hunting

2007-10-21T12:31:00.000-05:00

*note: had to delete & repost, in order to get rid of nearly 400 trackbackcrap things!*

Okay folks - now's a good time for anyone interested to send me all the positive energy and prayers you can muster, in re: my job hunting. A rare opening came up in the grocery store in town & I applied. I'm qualified and they know about my situation with Spouse. It would be a decent job and only 4ish miles from home. This job is one I think I'd enjoy, also, especially after my husband has passed on, because I'd get to know people in the community better.

So - light your candles, cross your fingers and legs and put in a good word for me with your Higher Power. I would really appreciate it... really, really. TIA

A Tearful Goodbye

2007-10-20T23:46:00.000-05:00

It's been interesting, now that Spouse has been placed under Hospice Care at the nursing home, to see which friends of his have been coming to visit &/or call him. A couple of days ago, I had the pleasure of meeting two of his old Army buddies, friends he'd met way back in the late 60's, while stationed in Germany & Vietnam. I'd heard about one of his pals, "BC", off and on, over the past couple of years, when Spouse would open up about this escapade or that. We've exchanged Christmas cards and Spouse has yakked with him a few times this past decade, but I never realized how deep this friendship went until this past couple of days.

When I emailed "BC", to let him know about Spouse's condition & prognosis, the first thing he did was call me to find out if he could visit Spouse. Of course, I gave him the go-ahead, and he set his travel plans in place. He then got busy contacting a network of old wartime companions that Spouse had not heard from in years. These are friends that Spouse once kept in touch with, but had lost contact with, sadly. It's been nice for Spouse to get phone calls from these old & dear friends, especially those who have been "lost" for a few years. A few have sent cards and some have emailed me, so I can print up their messages and deliver to Spouse. These gestures have given a boost for my husband's stamina and attitude, something which I really appreciate.

While he was en route to come visit Spouse, "BC" stopped in Pheonix to meet up with another old Army bud, "T". The two of them continued toward our area together and were able to surprise Spouse, even trying to pull a funny prank on him when they arrived. Spouse knew "BC" was coming, but he was totally surprised to see "T" had gone to the trouble and expense to come along. The prank kind of failed, but it was funny, nonetheless. Something about "T" coming into the room behind "BC", wearing a doctor's smock, a stethescope and a ugly face mask, with rubber gloves on and telling Spouse it was time for another BOHICA *bend over, here it comes again* test. Spouse got 'em back good though and offered to drop his pants then & there.

The guys had a good visit, took Spouse & me out for dinner the first night, then they followed me to Clark, where they had a couple of rooms reserved. They did pretty good, keeping up with me on the muddy shortcut, but decided to go the longer route yesterday, when they went to visit Spouse again. I let the guys have the day to themselves and planned on staying home & maybe doing a bit of housework and relaxing. I got a call in the late morning, from Spouse, who informed me that they were coming to the house... surprise! It pissed me off, at first, mostly because I was still in my jammies, hadn't begun any of the housework yet and I was ashamed of how bad I've let the housework go these past couple of weeks. So I hung up on Spouse and jumped up to get busy. Thank God for Lysol spray, Swiffer mop thingies and scented candles! I managed to sweep & mop the floors, get a load of laundry in the washer and got some counter space cleaned off before they arrived.

Of course, they said they didn't care about how the house looked, but maybe they were just being nice. I usually don't care if someone's house is messy, especially if I know their plate is full, but I do care about what folks think about how my house looks. Am I whacked or what? They stuck around for about an hour, until Spouse said he needed to go back, because he was feeling sick. He collapsed on the deck, as he was exiting the back door, but I was holding one of his arms and was able to help him "fall softly", so that he didn't get hurt when he landed. His buddies carefully lifted him to his feet and we got him to their rental van.

It warms my heart to see these grown men, all so strong and macho in their youth, treat my husband with such gentleness and respect. They didn't bat an eye, when they saw Spouse pack a couple of extra "Depends" in the pouch on his walker. They freely gave me hugs and made every effort to include me in the conversation. So, this morning, when they had to say their final goodbyes, and we all know this is the last time they will be together as a group, Spouse was shaking and trying, in vain, to avoid tears as he thanked them for coming so far, just to see him. I looked at "BC", who was biting a trembling lip and blinking back tears, as he reached to hug Spouse, for the last time. "T" was doing a bit better at hiding his emotions, cracking a silly joke one last time, but I was able to recognize this as a facade, a brave face. His eyes spoke the truth, even though his lips were smiling, as they began to pool up a bit.

After they left the room and headed for the parking lot, Spouse broke down and cried in my arms. It was such a touching farewell and it made me think about these grown men later, when I'd gotten home. They have been friends since 1968, longer than some of my blog friends have been alive. That's 39 years of knowing and caring about someone who fought many of the same battles. Their post-army days took them in different directions, different occupations, but they remained friends all of these years. I cannot imagine the memories they share, but am feeling very, very fortunate to have witnessed this kind of friendship in my lifetime, even if it was something of Spouse's to have and not my own. I am even more in awe of the man my husband is, has been and will continue to be, long after he has passed.

Perhaps he is not as famous as your average movie star, the best politicians the world has known or some of the more memorable legends we all hear about, but he has touched the lives of so many different people in this world. This special visit of his friends helped me to understand the depth of how wonderful my beloved truly has been and continues to be. One of his more favorite quotes has always been, "I ain't much, but I'm all I think about." When he asked me to marry him, I had no idea that I was committing myself in marriage to a living legend, but that is a truth none can deny. Yes, he had his character flaws, but the qualities far outshine them. Ask anyone who really knows Spouse. I'm betting they'd kick the ass of anyone who declares anything different.

Blessings to "BC" & "T", for taking time out of their busy lives and work to bring some joy to Spouse. I salute you both.

2007-10-18T22:57:00.000-05:00

The Golden Needle

Katy shoved the door shut with her heel, grasping to maintain her hold on the bags of groceries, the mail and her purse. A bead of sweat glistened on her brow, impossible to wipe away, as she struggled with the bulky load. Blowing up at the drop that threatened to flood her eye, she set the bags on the kitchen table. Living alone, with only her cat and three dogs to keep her company, Katy had long given up speaking aloud very often. It seemed the animals were empathic to her moods and they communicated mostly in facial gestures, affectionate cuddles and body language. It had been a couple of weeks since she'd had a conversation with another human being, and most of her friendships were now with people she'd met online. Ever since Lucy had passed away, it just seemed easier and far less painful than to work on face-to-face relationships. Her favorite place to visit was a message board that was frequented by a lot of quilting enthusiasts across the nation.

Pulling a chair away from the table, she absentmindedly stroked Loopy's head, as he nuzzled into her lap. She picked up the stack of mail, thumbing through to see what had come that day. Removing the regular bills from the pile to place in the outgo tray on her desk, she noticed an envelope that was a bit different from the rest of the mail. Katy set the bills aside and studied this envelope with curiosity. There was no return address and the contents felt rather mushy. With a silent laugh, she couldn't help but wonder if this was some credit card gimmick she hadn't seen before and opened the envelope.

Slowly Katy peered into the depths of the yellow envelope and was amazed to see what lay inside. Ever so gently, she pulled the contents from their simple yellow boundaries and laid them on the table separately. Again, she turned the envelope over to see if there was any way to determine the sender. The postmark was smudged so she had no clues there. "Well, well," thought Katy to herself, "This is certainly a credit card gimmick I can live with!" It startled her to hear her own chuckle in the quiet house. Simply replying with please or thank you had sufficed well enough at the checkout when she did venture into town for supplies. Mrs. Bumphry leapt onto the table to investigate the spread out bounty on the table then moved toward the sack of groceries.

With a sigh, Katy carefully returned the gifts to the envelope and got about the business of putting the canned goods in the pantry. She was careful to make sure the mysterious envelope would not be in danger of her inquisitive cat's destructive claws. More than once, Lucy had telephoned her with outrageous stories about Mrs. Bumphry shredding a bill that arrived in the mail. The dogs seemed to tolerate Mrs. Bumphry well enough, much to Katy's relief. Loopy, her old yellow Labrador even went so far as to tolerate the cat's occasional tendencies to groom him. She really believed the old coot secretly reveled in the personal attention, though his pride would never allow him to publicly display any appreciation. Still, Katy was glad to adopt the silly feline, knowing she would have surely gone to the pound after Lucy's will left no instructions or special requests for Mrs. Bumphry's care. But then, they both, she and Lucy, had assumed they'd live long and relatively happy lives, never suspecting the cancer that was slowly weaving itself through Lucy's marrow. The diagnosis came as a shock and Katy was still filled with anger that Lucy had chosen to accept the doctors' prognosis of only a few months to "get her affairs in order".

Shaking her head, as if to toss these painful memories to the back of her mind, Katy opened a tin of food for the cat. She filled the dish and set it atop the microwave oven to keep it out of the dogs' reach. Trying to be quiet, she scooped the dry kibbles from the container that held the dog's chow and filled the three bowls. Checking their water dishes, she was satisfied that it was a good time to get back to that strange envelope that arrived today.

Pouring a tall glass of iced tea and vigorously stirring in the two heaping spoons of sugar she always added, Katy wondered who could have sent her something so special. More importantly, why would anyone have sent her something this nice without telling her whom it came from? Try as she might, not a name came to mind of who might have been so generous and so anonymous. With her iced tea in one hand and the envelope in her other, Katy walked to the bay window in the small cottage living room and settled into the comfortable old rocking chair that Lucy had left to her. It was a chair she had loved to sit in when she visited Lucy and it was the chair she'd pulled up next to the bed where Lucy spent her last weeks of life.

Katy had rocked in the chair for hours, reading the quilting catalogs to her dear friend, describing the new lines of fabric, filling in the order blanks with requests for fabrics and notions. Orders that were never mailed, because she knew they might not arrive before Lucy would ever see or touch them. Instead, Katy started visiting the local quilt guild and asked the members, whom Lucy always spoke so highly of, for a tremendous favor. They were wonderful about loaning Katy the newest yards and fat quarters, so she could take them to Lucy to touch and see. Katy would pre-wash the fabric, just as Lucy had taught her, and then take her time to meticulously iron each piece. She thought it was rather odd that Lucy would find the smell of the hot iron and the sizing on the damp fabric comforting, but it seemed a little thing to do for her friend. The quilters from the guild didn't seem to mind getting their fabric back all ready for piecing much either, so the plan worked out for everyone's benefit.

She smiled to herself, remembering how the ladies would come to visit Lucy and exclaim their jealousy of her wonderful stash of fabric! She was so proud of those great women, hiding the secret of the fabric so well and trying to boost her spirits when they knew her heart was being ripped apart. She recalled the many times a few of the guild ladies would bring their latest projects asking Lucy's advice as to what quilting she recommended, which thread color to use, and if she would ever share her recipe for that decadent fudge of hers. Katy marveled at the secret language those quilters spoke and the marvelous gift Lucy had for setting everyone at ease, even when the pain was so excruciating. The camaraderie of these special ladies drew Katy's curiosity about quilting further and further in. Soon, they had her working stitches in scraps of their fabric, learning how to fashion simple blocks by hand. Lucy beamed at Katy with such pride when she saw the first friendship star Katy made.

The tall glass of tea sparkled as the evening sun shone through the window and Katy's attention returned to the surprise in her lap. Lucy would have called it a "Serendipity-gram" and frequently received such things in the mail. In the years of their friendship, Katy had observed Lucy opening these things and squealing with delight when a wonderful card, a piece of fabric, a tiny book of prose tumbled onto her sewing table. It had always amused her how incredibly insane Lucy would get when it came to fabric, quilting or anything related. It amazed her they had even become friends! She fondly thought about the day they had bumped into each other outside of their favorite shops, which were side by side. Both of them had exited the quilt shop and antique store, arms laden with their latest purchases and walked into the other with an incredible bang of noise and confusion! All around them on the sidewalk was a pile of musty old tins, spools of colorful threads, brilliant billows of fabric and a shower of the old Broadway sheet music Katy loved. The explosion of their collision was such a shock and the expression each of their faces bore caused them to laugh at the entire calamity. Katy remembered the two of them sitting amidst the pile of chaos, laughing so hard her cheeks hurt. Rising, they had dusted themselves off, picked up the purchases and tearfully laughed apologies to the other. Katy had gone home from there, and smiled at the little bruise her ego had endured. The following morning her telephone rang and it didn't take long for her to realize who the caller was. Lucy introduced herself and mentioned she'd found Katy's credit card receipt in one of her packages, looked her up in the phone book and would she like to come for tea and get it? Katy accepted the invitation, wrote the directions to Lucy's and so began a wonderful seventeen years of friendship.

Smiling to herself again at these pleasant memories, Katy pulled the contents of the envelope out. Within the confines of the yellow paper were three items, each carefully wrapped in a pretty tissue paper. Her hands trembled with anticipation as she carefully unfolded the delicate wrapping around the most obvious of the gifts. Katy gasped at the beauty of the colors, gently stroking the carefully folded fabric. It was the fabric she had admired, along with Lucy, when they had gone through the catalogs together. This was one line of fabric that none of the guild ladies had purchased yet, although many agreed it was a prize worth obtaining. Katy grinned to herself and looked around the living room, as if to see if anyone might be watching. It was at that moment she realized Lucy had infected her with the addiction to fabric and she began to wonder what she could make with the delicious Color Bridge fabrics in her lap. Katy marveled at how much prettier the fabrics were than they showed in the catalogs. Feelings of joy, mixed with excitement began to bubble up inside of her and it was all she could do to stay seated. Giving in to the joy a little, she held tightly to the treasures upon her lap and let her feet do the happy dance she'd seen Lucy do when she found her perfect focus fabric. Katy finally let go with a squeal of delight that caused the animals to come running in her direction, tails wagging and barking with frenzy. Laughing at the dogs, Katy spoke to them in as calm a voice as she could muster, reassuring them that she was okay. It had been so long since she'd felt that sort of happiness and her throat ached a little from the squeal she released. The animals lay near her feet carefully avoiding the runners of the rocking chair and settled down to keep a close eye on their mistress. Katy sipped the iced tea and set the glass back on the steamer trunk that served its purpose as a table under the bay window.

Carefully setting the fabric back within the layers of tissue paper, she laid it on the trunk, away from the glass of tea. She was cautious to make sure it wasn't exposed to the beams of sunlight and looked to see where naughty Mrs. Bumphry might be hiding. The last thing she wanted now was for that goofy cat to shred her prize fabric! Of course, Lucy had told her the odd cat had never destroyed the fabric or quilts, but would purr contentedly for hours atop a pile of half square triangles. She never figured out why her cat would shred the bills and not the packages from the quilt shop, but then in the small village they lived near, the utility companies were quite familiar with some of Lucy's eccentricities. Lucy used to swear the cat did her damage to the bills so that she would have to take the short trek to town to pay her bills in person, just so she'd get plenty of exercise.

Still, Katy didn't want to risk Mrs. Bumphry taking exception to the new stash she'd just received. The stash she did have wasn't very big, mostly because she really knew very little about quilting and had given almost all of Lucy's fabric to the friends from the quilt guild. Each of the ladies had insisted Katy keep some and invited her to start coming to the meetings to learn more about the time-honored craft. With every bundle of fabric she handed to the various guild members, she was handed in return a fat quarter of this, a couple of yards of that. The ladies stubbornly told her she was going to need it someday and refused to let her hand any back. Katy hadn't gone to any of the guild meetings after the funeral and had kept herself isolated. Her work allowed her the freedom to avoid people since she did telecommuting on her computer. Many mornings she didn't even dress for the day, instead sat in front of the monitor in her flannel pajamas until her work for the day was complete. It had only been this last week that she had noticed her haggard appearance in the mirror and started to work on taking better care of herself. She knew deep within that her friend would never approve of how badly Katy had let herself go. She could imagine Lucy shaking a finger in her direction, scolding her for not eating right, not doing something with her hair. It was easy to hear Lucy's voice in her mind telling her off, "Katy girl, if you were the last thread on earth, the way you look now, I'd never use you on a quilt! So go fix yourself up right this minute!"

Reaching down to pet her smallest dog, Boombottom, she still had no idea where her friend had come up with his name. Boombottom had come to Katy's door one day and never left. He looked like a hot dog with a stumpy tail, the funniest looking dog she'd ever seen. He soon warmed his way into her heart, however, and in no time at all, was sleeping at the foot of her bed. His face was a constant in the bay window whenever she came home from a trip to town. The first time Lucy had come over to see the new addition to Katy's family, she called him Boombottom and the name stuck. It wasn't the most regal of names, but then this wasn't a very regal dog, either. It was apparent he loved Lucy and the feelings were quite mutual. Anytime she came by he would excitedly yap and run in circles with his stump fanning the air like a short propeller. Lucy's lap was always his favorite place to sit, but she refused Katy's offer to take the dog home with her. Her reason was if nothing else, the dog served as a great excuse for her to come to Katy's house for a healthy dose of unconditional love. To this day, Katy still questioned whether Lucy had placed the dog on her doorstep.

Boombottom's tail gave a feeble wag when she touched him and it was obvious to her that he missed his friend, Lucy, as much as she missed her. Katy scratched under his chin, chiding herself for not paying more attention to his grief. He lifted his head and the tail moved in a happy thump - thump on the hardwood floor. With a sigh that sounded to Katy like contentment, he rested his head on her foot, while the stumpy tail continued in its metronome beat on the worn oak boards. She lifted the envelope and reached in for the next bundle of tissue wrapped treasure. This was small and tied with a bit of purple satin ribbon. Seeing the ribbon reminded her of the purple bows Lucy would don upon her shoulder before she left for quilt shows. When Katy inquired about the purple bow, Lucy told her that was how her quilting buddies recognized each other. Katy recalled all the purple bows that were worn on the shoulders of the mourners at Lucy's funeral. In any other circumstance, Katy would have thought the adornment was ridiculous, but knowing the significance behind the bows touched her heart. After the graveside services, each of the women had silently placed their bow atop the beautiful mahogany casket, some wiping tears from their cheeks. She wasn't surprised to see so many at the funeral, though. Lucy had that sort of effect on people, a way of making each feel special and always acknowledging the talents and gifts anyone had. Katy wondered if she was odd to think Lucy's funeral was, perhaps, the nicest she'd ever been to.

She untied the purple ribbon and opened the paper bundle. Inside was a small envelope with the letters "V.Q.Q.G." scribbled on it. Carefully, she untucked the flap of the envelope to see what lay within. A key and a needle that appeared to be gold were all the envelope contained. The brass key looked as ordinary as any door key she'd seen before, but the reason it was sent to her had her baffled. Removing the needle and turning it over in her hand, she saw at once it was ornamental, with delicate engravings on one side. She knew enough from the days spent around Lucy's bed with the guild ladies that this couldn't be used for sewing of any kind. This was exquisite and she knew it must be special. Katy took a minute to wrap the needle with a piece of the tissue paper, then inserted it with the key, back into the tiny envelope. The mystery behind the key and golden needle intrigued her immensely. She hoped the final tissue wrapped packet provided answers to her questions. The tiny envelope was set upon the fabric to her left on the steamer trunk and she shook the final packet to hear if it rattled. Nothing except the crinkling of the paper that held it together.

The grandmother clock in the dining room chimed, reminding Katy it was near her dinner hour. Stretching as she rose from the chair, she picked up the fabric, placing it in a drawer until she could wash and include it in her small stash. The tiny envelope was returned to its larger host and she strolled toward the kitchen with it and the unopened tissue. Stopping just in view of the kitchen doorway, Katy froze in horror! Covering the entire floor, from wall to wall, were little shreds of paper. Sitting on the chair Katy had pulled out from under the small kitchen table earlier was Mrs. Bumphry, daintily preening. Katy glanced at the spot where she had set the bills aside and saw the pile missing. Why hadn't she heard any noise from the kitchen? She knew she couldn't blame the cat, not with the reputation that followed her. Katy knelt to pick up the tattered bits of paper, trying to match the portions of each bill with its companions. It was useless for her to attempt it. Glancing at Mrs. Bumphry's smug expression, all she could do was laugh. She knew it wouldn't be long before the utility companies in town were thinking a bit of Lucy had rubbed off on her after all those years. Katy made a mental note of which utilities she would have to pay in person on her next trip to town. Cringing, she realized it would require an explanation and she'd have to actually have a conversation. It certainly wouldn't do to walk up to the clerk and say, "How much? Cat ate the bill."!

Katy laid the yellow envelope and the last item to open in the microwave, closing the door. This was not a toy for Mrs. Bumphry and the microwave was a safe place for now. She swept the bills onto the dustpan and shook them into the paper bin under the sink. Looking into the fridge for something for dinner, her choices were a piece of cold chicken and some salad she'd made yesterday. Mrs. Bumphry jumped to the floor as Katy nudged herself on to the chair, and walked to her soft pillow in the corner of the living room. The salad and chicken took little time to consume, and Katy wanted to get that last item opened. She rinsed her plate and set it in the sink to be washed later.

She retrieved everything from the microwave and returned to the rocking chair. The sun had almost set by now, so Katy pulled the little chain to the tall lamp beside her chair. A soft glow shone over her shoulder and she pulled the grandmother's flower garden lap quilt around her shoulders. The quilt was beautiful, a gift to her from Lucy several years ago. Many of the flowers for the quilt had been crafted in the very rocking chair she now sat in. Lucy had carried a pouch for months that was always full of paper templates and scraps of fabric, some thread and needles, never revealing to Katy the project was for her. Katy had been speechless when she opened the box to discover the completed quilt Lucy gave to her. The label on the back of the quilt, embroidered in lovely pastels, had Lucy's name and the date she finished it, along with its title. Lucy had named this fine handiwork, "Katy's Forever Hug" and told her it was for the days the weather kept them apart and she needed a boost.

Again comfortable in the rocking chair, she lifted the tissue slowly. Lying neatly inside was a letter, folded in half. The stationary was familiar to her and her throat felt dry. The stationary was the same her old friend had used for years and Katy suddenly was afraid to read the letter. She glanced at the glass of tea on the trunk where it had been left, no longer iced, and took a sip anyway. Her hands trembled slightly as she set the tea glass on the trunk once more. The letter seemed to beckon her to unfold and read it. The faint fragrance of Shalimar scented the letter, causing goose bumps to rise on Katy's arms. This was the only perfume Lucy had worn the entire seventeen years she'd known her. She knew Lucy had allergies to many fragrances, but this was one she could wear without reactions. Unless, of course, one counted the time the two of them had that perfume battle at the department store!

The images of that memory still had the power to trigger convulsions of laughter in Katy. Lucy had wanted new shoes to wear to some quilt retreat and invited Katy to join her. They often went on shopping excursions together, though Katy knew little about quilting and Lucy saw no sense in paying outrageous prices for old things that were probably in someone's trash at one time. They had just simply enjoyed being in each other's company. Katy had been trying on a pair of sandals, to replace the pair Ima Dogtu, her only purebred canine companion, had destroyed in a teething frenzy. Katy truly thought Lucy had suggested the footwear binge out of guilt feelings, since she had convinced Katy her life would be incomplete without the adorable little blond cocker spaniel. Ima had ravaged no less than four pair of shoes, one half of a purse and several objects that were unidentifiable before she and Katy had completed puppy kindergarten.

As Katy leaned over to fasten the sandals to her feet, she felt the cool moisture on her back before realizing Lucy was standing behind her. Her often-mischievous friend was vainly attempting to hide something behind her back, as she struggled to maintain her composure. In seconds Katy had a subtle hint about Lucy's behavior. Lucy bellowed with laughter when Katy's own expression turned from quizzical to astonishment to shock. As Katy stood to peer over her shoulder to survey how much damage had been done to her blouse, Lucy collapsed into a nearby chair. She held the tester bottle of Shalimar to her chest, shaking vigorously, tears streaming down her cheeks. Horrified at how aromatic she now was, Katy marched toward Lucy, demanding the bottle of perfume. She snatched the bottle from Lucy, who was powerless from her laughing to stop Katy. With the bottle in hand, Katy turned toward the perfume counter, her head held as high as she could, but unable to walk away from the fragrance that permeated the air around her. She stopped in her tracks, and lunged in Lucy's direction. In a swift movement, the front of Lucy's dress was saturated with the perfume! Katy relished the experience of observing Lucy's face go through the same changes her own had only moments ago. Satisfied, she walked to the perfume counter with the nearly empty and returned it to the tray with the other tester bottles. A clerk behind the counter approached Katy, as she was setting the bottle down, wearing the plastic smile seen on so many of the clerks in this department. As she neared the umbrella of Shalimar around Katy, the clerk began to cough, excusing herself repeatedly as she inquired whether there was anything she could help Katy with. Katy considered asking if the clerk could suggest a perfume removal spray, but instead declined with a smile and walked back to Lucy.

The real fun began as they walked through the mall in the direction of the car, which they'd parked at the opposite end of the building. Both ladies were lavishly drenched in the perfume, often drawing strange looks, glares and the odd comment as they strolled slowly past the vendors stationed within the center of the promenade. Katy and Lucy repeatedly stopped, paralyzed with bouts of laughter as the occasional passerby hacked or gawked in their direction, in reaction to the exaggerated swing Lucy added to her stride. Eventually, they made it to the car, driving to Lucy's house, where they took turns showering and changed into unscented clothes.

Distracted from her thoughts by Loopy's whimper, Katy stood up with the letter and walked to the front door to let the dogs out for their evening environmental impact statement. She flicked the porch light on and went to the screened door, peering through the mesh to be sure the front gate was securely fastened. Boombottom, Ima, and Loopy exited the screened-in porch through the doggy door built into one of the outer walls. She settled onto the hanging swing, arranged a pillow behind her back and inhaled deeply. She unfolded the letter and began to read. It was typewritten, and she was puzzled about the date at the top. It had today's date and the signature at the bottom was a shaky version of her friend's elegant penmanship. Confused, she resumed reading...

"My Dearest Katy Girl,

The most difficult part about letting go, at the end of my illness, was the knowing that the best friend I'd ever known would suffer grief in my parting. You may never know, I doubt, how deeply indebted I am to you. How do I thank the one who is more like a sister than any other I've known in my life? For all the days and nights you stayed at my side, during my final days, I cannot express my gratitude with words. Your devotion to my care was a comfort and the tears you shed when you believed me sleeping were cherished. Can you ever forgive me for putting you through such a horrid ordeal?

I do hope you are well and doing something with your hair, as you learn to adjust to life, minus my existence. Please cling to and find joy in each day, remembering every precious moment we shared as friends. As my friend, you taught me so much, for which I will eternally be grateful. Your friendship led me to appreciate the beauty of music long forgotten by many. How long has it been, beloved friend, since you played your soundtrack to My Fair Lady and danced around your garden as the speakers blared for the world to hear? If it has been awhile, I pray you'll find reason to dance again soon. You constantly amazed me with your gift of restoration, whether it involved bringing new life to an old armoire you found at Gracie's Antique Shoppe or the many sheets of music you learned to play on those lovely summer evenings. How I admired your ability to play so well!

In turn, I am grateful for your patience with my passion for needle and thread, all that the lust for fabric entailed. Beautiful Katy Girl, I do hope you weren't insufferably bored with my constant going on about
quilts and such. I was thrilled to see you joining my guild friends when they came to call. Keep up the practice with your stitches and you'll see you have that gift as well. You are a natural born quilter dear, so please do not ever stop. You will find there is medicinal value in the craft; all healthy if one ignores the addictive nature sometimes observed. Your natural talent for creating beauty from scraps will grow. My hope is someday, someday soon, you'll collide into a new friend and fashion a special quilt to hug her on the days she needs it most.

Now, my dear, you are probably wondering why & how this letter has arrived today, as well as the other things that came with it! If you have not dawdled too many days before reading this, then tomorrow should be Saturday. The key and the golden needle are very special to the Valley of Quaint Quilt Guild. They will be meeting tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. and it is imperative that you deliver these two items to the Bee Queen Bee!! Because I have always been able to trust you to help me in every emergency, arrangements were made, long before my passing for these to be delivered to you prior to this meeting. Please dear Katy Girl, I ask that you make haste to the morning meeting, when all will be explained. Obviously, I must thank you in advance!

Do not waste too many days grieving my departure, but instead try to live a life that will honor the days we shared as friends. Remember to smile, to laugh, to listen to others and share your heart. Keep a part of me there and I will never be forever gone, dear. I have loved you for many years; a love that time nor distance can never dissolve. If God ever grants me the opportunities, from where, hopefully, I now abide, I will send you evidence of ~

All my LOVE,
Lucy"

Katy lowered the letter to her lap, dazed by the words and her lips trembled. Clenching her fists, she drew her legs toward her chest, lowered her head to her knees and began to cry. The sound of her deep wrenching sobs brought the dogs scurrying through their special door to her side. With a whine, Loopy clambered onto the swing near her feet and leaned into her legs. Ima and Boombottom sat side by side, gazing up to Katy, tilting their heads in unison. Darkness had crept outside the span of the porch light's amber tint and an evening breeze whispered through the screens. The night echoed her mourning song, as her heart and soul released the emotions long buried since the day Lucy had been laid to rest.

Katy awoke the following morning to Mrs. Bumphry's tail swishing under her nose. She attempted to rise but found herself pinned beneath the raggedy quilt she'd purchased at a yard sale three summers ago. Her dogs surrounded her, cocooned within the coverings on the wrought iron poster bed. She was unsure of when she'd finally moved from the swing on the porch to the comfort of her bed, but she knew it had been very late. Turning her head and peering through the wisps of Mrs. Bumphry's tail, she glanced at the clock sitting on the bedside table. The urge to grab just ten more minutes of sleep was strong. It was Saturday and her telecommuting work was caught up. Mrs. Bumphry stood up, stretched and sauntered over to Loopy, who was lying across Katy's legs. Glad the two smaller dogs didn't weigh as much as Loopy, she wrestled her arms free from her confinement to brush her disheveled, long auburn hair from her face. Glancing at the clock, Katy saw it was nearly 8:40. Still somewhat groggy, Katy sat up and nudged Loopy from her legs, then swung them over the side of the bed. She searched the floor with her toes for her slippers, finally sliding them into the comfy chenille scuffs. Stretching her arms as she meandered down the hallway toward the front door, Katy took a sideways glance at herself in the mirror above the small deacon's bench.

"Oh, if Lucy could see this wreck!" Katy thought to herself and stopped suddenly. Lucy. The letter. The meeting at nine!

Quickly she opened the front door for the dogs so they could exit for relief and bolted back towards the bedroom. Opening the drawer in the bedside table, she grabbed the letter from Lucy and the tiny envelope which contained the key and the gold needle. She put the items in her purse and ran to the bathroom to hurry through her morning routine. No time for a shower, she washed her face and hastily ran a comb through her curly locks. Swishing her toothbrush in the mouthwash bottle, she eliminated the fuzzy taste from her mouth, then ran to the kitchen to feed her animals. Swiftly, she washed then filled the water and food dishes, setting them in opposite corners of the kitchen. Mrs. Bumphry's dishes were barely placed atop the microwave oven when the huge cat jumped up to begin her breakfast. Katy was feeling frantic, glancing at the clock on the kitchen wall to see it was now 8:55. It was at least a ten-minute drive to the village and she still needed to change from the tattered T-shirt she favored sleeping in. She blazed down the hall to throw on a pair of bib overalls and her sandals. As she tucked the T-shirt into the overalls, she hoped no one at the guild meeting would comment on her attire.

"If nothing else, maybe the ladies will say I'm a trendsetter." Katy chuckled to herself. She headed out the front door, sure to lock the screened porch behind her. The dogs followed her to the gate with their tennis balls and rope toys gripped in their jaws, ready to play. "Not now, kids. Be good and watch the house. I'll be home as soon as I run this errand." Katy spoke into the wind, as she drove away in her old Jeep.

The door to the grange meeting hall was left slightly ajar and she hesitated before pushing it open enough to walk in. Katy's heart was pounding and she was unsure of how the women here would receive her. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears and she realized she was shaking terribly. "Why am I feeling this way?" she wondered. Taking a deep breath, she stepped over the threshold and into the foyer. The grange hall was a familiar building to her, having been here for many quilt shows and local craft fairs with Lucy. Her feet automatically turned toward the direction of the stairs that led to the large dining room in the basement. The Village of Quaint Quilt Guild met here every other Saturday morning for their business meetings and quilting bees. Hearing voices rising up the stairway, she tried to walk as quietly as possible on the squeaky old steps. She knew there was one particular step that screamed in agony whenever anyone landed on the right side of it and desperately wanted to avoid it. The voices in the basement stopped speaking as soon as the traitorous step gave away her arrival. Someone giggled as another hollered to her, "Just git yerself down here, honey, whoever ya are! We don't bite nothin' here but fudge!" Katy recognized the voice immediately and felt some of the tension fade. Squaring her shoulders, she plastered an artificial smile on her face and clomped down the remaining stairs for effect. If she was going to make a fool of herself, she figured she ought to do it right!

The room was large, filled with long cafeteria-style dining tables and old wooden folding chairs. A row of antique theater seats lined the length of two of the walls and some were piled with jackets, sweaters and handbags. A few held various boxes, which contained secret quilters' treasures to be revealed at Show and Tell. The women who knew Katy welcomed her with a chorus of greetings. Chairs scraped on the floor as many stood and hurried to wrap her in warm, friendly hugs. Katy felt a lump beginning to grow in her throat and squeaked a feeble hello in return. The last thing she'd expected was such a hearty welcome, since these kind ladies only knew her from the last few months at Lucy's home. She felt her eyes beginning to well up and fought the tears that threatened to give away her feelings of confusion, loneliness and insecurity. A chair was offered to her, which she gratefully accepted. The ladies around her were smiling and grinning, some nudging a neighbor here and there, and a couple winked at her as their heads nodded in her direction. A younger girl, perhaps eight or nine years old, set a napkin and a cup of apple-chamomile tea in front of her. She offered Katy a plate covered with a mound of home-baked goodies and fudge. Katy's stomach growled as she smelled the chocolate and gladly took a blueberry muffin, as well as a wedge of fudge to settle the rumbles.
"Alright gals! Let's settle back down to business here!" The woman speaking, Katy recognized as Judy, otherwise referred to in the guild as the Bee Queen Bee. Judy peered over her glasses to Katy and smiled with as royal a welcome as she could. "For those of you here, who have not met our esteemed guest, I'd like to introduce to you Katy. She is the special gal who helped our dear departed friend, Miss Lucy, in her time of illness. I know a bit about this fine lady from the good things Lucy shared with me, over the years. If memory serves me correctly, Katy is with us today for a very good reason. Katy, would you like to say a few words before I go on?"

Surprised by the introduction and smiling with a mouthful of muffin, Katy nodded as she swallowed, then took a sip from the tea. She blushed as she reached for her purse and removed the tiny envelope and Lucy's letter. An older woman across the table from her gasped, covering her mouth with her hand as her eyes widened. Katy looked around her at the guild members, hearing the murmurs that circulated among them. "I, er, uh... ahem. I would like to thank those of you who were so kind in coming to visit Lucy when she was sick. It meant a great deal to her to be surrounded by her quilting friends when she could no longer get around. I am grateful, also, to those of you who cared for her those times it was necessary for me to run errands, get groceries or fill her prescriptions. Without your help and support then, I don't know what I would have done. Lucy always spoke well of each of you and I want you to know she treasured your friendships."

Katy paused and opened the tiny envelope, removing the key and the beautiful gold needle. Holding them up for all to see, she continued, "Yesterday I got a mushy package in the mail, with no return address, containing some fabric, these two items and a letter to me from Lucy with yesterday's date on it. The letter stated that all of this mystery would be revealed if I came here today. Could someone please offer me an explanation?" She saw her hands were still shaking and sat in her seat again, waiting to hear a reply.

Judy stood again, raising her hand to quiet the buzzing comments that flowed between the guild members. "Katy, we hope you can forgive the mystery and the shock you must have endured because of the letter in the package. We call those packages squishies, because that is how they feel with the fabric in them. I'm sure you must have seen Lucy with a few squishies during your friendship?" Katy nodded and Judy went on, "During the times we were visiting and you got a break for yourself, even if it was only to come to town for supplies, Lucy requested our help. It was her idea to be sure the squishie was mailed to you so that it would be delivered yesterday. Please forgive our little conspiracy here, but it was important you come today. The golden needle has a very special heritage among our guild members. Before our guild secretary, Maria, tells you about that, I'll ask each member to accept responsibility for her part in this whole scheme. Ladies, if you'll please stand and introduce yourself to Katy, then help her put the puzzle together?" Judy reclaimed her position at the head of the first table and gave a regal parade wave to encourage the women to begin.

One by one, the women stood and did as Judy had requested. Katy was amazed to hear their contributions to ensure Lucy's plan was successful. Anne had ordered the Color Bridge fabric on Lucy's behalf, making sure the order was safely wrapped in acid free tissue paper. Wendy snuck the parcel of fabric to Lucy when she'd brought some patterns to show Lucy. Sally purchased the envelope and made sure Laura delivered it stealthily to Lucy. Elly wrote the letter that Lucy had dictated, Dawn typed it and Roxie returned it so it could be signed by Lucy. Tracy, whom Katy knew from Butch's grocery store, admitted to purposefully detaining her with lots of questions about Lucy and how she was getting along, so the others would have time to tie everything together. Cher grinned as she told how she had arranged with Postmaster Matt to mail the squishie on the appropriate date and be sure the postmark was smudged well beyond legibility. Almost every person in the room had some part in the ploy and Katy was soon chuckling as the confessors revealed their secrets.

Eventually they were done sharing their involvement and Maria arose from her chair. She walked around the table to stand behind Katy. Placing her hands on Katy's shoulders, she began to narrate the history of the golden needle that lay on the table next to the key and tiny white envelope. "Our region was first homesteaded in the early 1860's. Life was difficult then and the women of the area had to be very resourceful when it came to having nice things for their homes. One of the ways they were able to decorate their homes was by creating beautiful quilts, often out of scraps of fabric from worn out clothing. During that time, a young woman from England moved here with her husband and children. Before she left her wealthy family and the life of luxury she had always known, her grandmother commissioned a jeweler to create a special needle for her as a reminder of days they had shared quilting together in England. The grandmother had taught this young lady everything she knew about the craft and encouraged the young lady to continue the tradition of passing the craft on. This young woman was May Tristan, a name you might be familiar with if you have ever visited Tristan Square in town."

Katy turned her head to see who interrupted Maria with a hoot of laughter. "Isn't that where that fancy tourist lost her overbeckies in the middle of the street last year?"

Giggling, Maria replied, "Yes, Kathy. Thanks ever so much for reminding us!" and went on with her narrative. "May taught her skills with needle and thread to her daughter, who then taught her own daughter. This daughter, Terrie, was one of the founding members of the Valley of Quaint Quilt Guild. She had inherited the golden needle you see in front of you, as it was passed from generation to generation, along with a love for quilting. For a time, it seemed quilting was going to be a lost art, so Terrie met with the few members of the guild and they set a pact among themselves. You can read about this in detail, if you check out our club archives, but I'll tell you the basics in a nutshell. They determined to mentor young women in the area and keep the passion for quilting alive. When a young woman was discovered to be, as we call it, a "natural born quilter", she would inherit the golden needle and be given the responsibility to find, mentor and qualify her successor. In all the years since the Valley of Quaint Quilt Guild has been established, none have refused the Quilter's Scepter, as we call the golden needle, nor have they refused the responsibility that goes along with it." Finished with her speech, Maria squeezed Katy's shoulder affectionately and returned to her seat.

Judy stood again and asked Katy to stand and bring the golden needle to the head of the table. Katy was obviously stunned and pondered whether she should bolt for the door. Instead, she complied and walked toward Judy, her head swimming as she digested what she had just heard. When she reached the head of the table, Judy wrapped her arms around Katy, giving her a gentle hug. Her eyes were brimming with tears as she drew away and she smiled warmly at Katy. "My friend Lucy, who was your friend as well, was the best judge of character I have ever known. Katy, Lucy inherited our Quilter's Scepter when she was twenty years old. She screamed and kicked, fought mastering the quilting for the first three years, but her mentor believed in the talent hidden within the novice. You have seen the beautiful quilts our dear friend created. You helped me pack all of her trophies and ribbons she'd won over the years with her creations, too. If Lucy believed enough in you to pass the golden needle on to you, then I trust her wholeheartedly."

Turning to face the ladies in the room, she asked, "Does anyone here dispute Lucy's choice of successor?" Every face in the room was solemn, each shaking their head no. Judy looked back to Katy and posed the question to her, "Do you dispute Lucy's choice of you as successor?"

Katy gazed at the delicate engravings on the needle and took a deep breath before she answered. "I don't know that much about quilting. The only things I do really know about the craft are what you all taught me when Lucy was sick. There's no way I could ever be good enough to deserve this honor. Isn't there someone else, who has real talent, whom you think has earned this instead of me? What would I have to do?"

"Why, I'm so flabbergasted, words fail me right now! This is all so sudden and overwhelming!" She never considered herself to be a quilter, hadn't worked at all on the squares she'd started when the guild ladies began to teach her, since she'd taken them home from Lucy's empty house.

Anne raised her hand from where she sat, getting Katy's attention. "My dear, did you learn anything from Lucy during all your years of friendship about quilting? Did you not pre-wash a tremendous amount of fabric and prepare it for us, just a few months ago? Did you ever help Lucy cut her templates or fabric? Can you thread a needle, child? Have you ever made a block that is done well enough it could be used in a quilt?"

Katy had to nod in agreement to each of Anne's questions, except the last one. "I made a block for Lucy, but haven't seen it since I gave it to her. It disappeared and it must have been thrown away when some of her things were sorted to give to charity."

"You're qualified enough for us, Katy!" Judy motioned her to take a seat next to her and nodded to a woman Katy didn't recognize.

The woman, Tina, quietly took the few steps to one of the boxes on the chairs along the wall. She brought the box to the table and lifted the lid. With the help of Sally, the two ladies lifted an exquisite pieced quilt top and held it up for all to admire. In the very center was the friendship star block she had made for Lucy! The entire quilt top was made of the same pattern, but with a marvelous variety of colored fabrics floating on the white-on-white background. Katy saw on each block a signature, except for hers; names of the women here today. She gave Judy a puzzled look, then glanced back at the quilt top. "What is this?" Katy asked.

"It's what we call UFO bait. Lucy worked on that block that is next to yours. Do you see which one I mean?" Judy continued, as Katy confirmed her question with a slow, amazed nod of her head. "This top is yours, whether you choose to accept the Golden Scepter or not. We just want you to know how much we care for you. We hope, with this small gesture, to thank you for all you did for one of our best of friends, one of our best quilters. It is up to you to finish the quilt and any of us will help you. We are all hoping you will someday have many UFO's, but more finished quilts are always better! Everything we shared with you today must be overwhelming, so we'd like you to take some time to think it over seriously before you give your answer, please."

Katy gulped and promised the guild members she would meditate on the matter and give them her response as quickly as possible. She thanked them all for the gift and then remembered the key on the table where she had left it. "What about the key that came with the golden needle? Does it have a special significance, also?" she asked Judy.

Judy laughed her reply, "Oh no! That was the key to this hall that Lucy had for years, also. Several of our members have a copy of the same key so that someone is always available to open the door for the meetings. I'll tell you what. You just hang on to that key and the Quilt Scepter until you make your decision. If you accept, you'll already have a key to let yourself in to start the coffee and tea when you're the first to arrive. If you choose not to accept, well then, you are always welcome to come back and hand them over. No one here would dream of judging you for the decision you make, whether yea or nay. You might be thinking we are handing you some pretty big boots to fill, but it's really not the worst responsibility in the world to assume. You have friends here who will always be glad to share their experience in quilting, if you have the courage to ask for help.

Judy patted Katy on the back, inviting her to stay for the Show and Tell portion of the meeting. She was relieved to no longer be in the position of the main attraction this morning and sat in her original seat to enjoy the parade of quilts shown. As the quilts were displayed and the techniques used to create them discussed, she thought about the letter she'd gotten and everything she'd been told this morning. After a fairly quick session of Show and Tell, the guild meeting was officially over, but as was their custom, the ladies then brought out their current projects to work on. The hall's long tables provided wonderful space for sandwiching the layers together for basting and a couple of the women began spreading out their backing fabrics for just this purpose.

Katy watched the activity silently, but with a smile, feeling a strange sense of familiarity to the action surrounding her. She listened politely to the chatter of the women seated near her and began to realize she was glad she had come. It almost was as if she could feel the presence of her departed friend and got goose bumps. The little girl who had served the refreshments when Katy arrived late came from across the room with some fabric in her hand and sat down next to her. She beamed up at Katy, held a needle and a length of thread up, then began to try to thread the needle. Katy became interested with the method used by the child, as she observed her moistening the needle's eye before attempting to push the thread through. She was surprised to see the child cleanly thread the needle in one quick motion!

"My name's Susan!" said the little girl to Katy. "The ladies sure are happy you came today. They were saying they was afraid you wouldn't ever come. They was worried you were gonna throw the special scepter 'way, too. I'm glad you came because my grandma has been teachering me to do sewing, but I know she likes to visit her growned up friends when we come here to sew. Please say you'll come here again! I promise you, cross my heart on Grandma's stash, I will show you everythin' Grandma teached me so far so you can learn too! Please? Please say you will?" The words tumbled from the little girl's lips on one breath and Katy grinned down to her new companion.

Leaning over to Susan's ear, she whispered, "I believe you are one of the nicest quilters here. I must think very hard before I decide what to do. I promise to keep what you have just said very close to my heart when I am thinking. Thank you for your generous offer to teach me what you know. There is a lot for me to learn, if I am to accept the Golden Scepter! Why don't you show me something now, okay?"

The morning passed quickly and the quilters began to pack their belongings, heading out the door. Katy thanked the guild ladies for their hospitality and again promised to notify Judy with her decision soon. She drove home slowly, replaying the recent events in her mind. Pulling her Jeep over to the side of the road, near the Llama Rescue Sanctuary, she brought the vehicle to a rest. She sat in the driver's seat and watched the graceful creatures grazing blissfully on the long grass. A pair of cria scampered together playfully, bleating their joyful warbles to each other. Somewhere in a nearby tree, a meadowlark serenaded her with a beautiful song. Katy closed her eyes and prayed for guidance as she sat in the warmth of the noon sun, listening to the sounds of life going on around her. It had been a long time since she'd experienced this kind of simple pleasure and serenity. Opening her eyes, Katy smiled and started the engine. She knew what her decision would be.

When she had spent some time tossing the tennis balls for Loopy, Ima and Boombottom, she walked into the house and straight to the telephone. Reaching into her pocket to remove the slip of paper Judy had scribbled her phone number on, Katy picked up the receiver and began dialing. When Judy answered, Katy began to speak, "Judy? Hi, it's Katy. I've seriously thought about it and have made a decision." She listened to the voice on the receiving end and nodded. "Yes, I'm very sure. Thank you for this morning and everything you all did to help me understand the squishy I got yesterday. I hope I can live up to my responsibilities as successor to the Guild Scepter. Is it alright for me to call you tomorrow to learn more about what this entails?" She laughed as a scream of joy emitted from the telephone, quickly ended the call and turned around to face her animals.

"Well, you guys, it looks like we're going to try to enjoy life a bit more often. I do believe this calls for a celebration!" Katy walked over to her stereo cabinet, removed a CD from its dusty jewel case and placed it in the CD player. She turned both of the stereo speakers toward the window facing the garden, increased the volume, then pushed the play button. Laughing, with the dogs in tow, she walked out to the garden as the music began to blare through the open window. She threw her head back and yelled toward the blue sky overhead, "Lucy!! This dance is for you!" With that done, Katy danced in her garden, real joy pounding in her heart, and felt glad to be alive again.

{copyright 2002 - 2007 by K. K. Taylor}

So, where was I?

2007-10-16T20:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry for not getting things caught up for awhile here. Life has been hurtling me around from place to place, this past couple of weeks. That dratted flu bug keeps walloping me every few days, too, so my energy has been sapped to nil on most evenings, when I have time to blog. Weird flu bug - it's like some sort of time release crap that hits every couple of days... just when it feels like I'm getting well and it hits again. Stupid bug.

Anyway, what's gone on since my last update:

Spouse is at the nursing home, now, surprising everyone by gaining enough strength and is able to walk around with his walker, more often than scooting around in his wheelchair. Pretty amazing, seeing as he was bedridden and barely able to lift his head from the pillow when the VA hospital transferred him to the facility! I believe the biggest difference here is that he had people around who he liked to visit & they visited him. First off, he had a girlfriend at the nursing home. Yep, a sweet, lovely little old lady who came by his room to chat every day. I met her & loved her immediately. Unfortunately, she went home recently, so there are no more of her cheerful visits to lift Spouse's spirit. He also has had a couple of old buddies of his come to visit from Washington, which really cheered him up. A couple of other friends of his, from years waaaaay back are due to come visit this week, so hopefully, this will help him try to continue to fight for life.

Yesterday, I could tell he was getting tired again, however, so it may just be a matter of time before he begins the final downhill stretch. I think, these past couple of weeks, he sort of was giving it his last "hurrah" of sorts. Trying to get all the paperwork in order, close certain chapters of his life, before he gives in and gives out. Since I am not a psychic, nor a god, only time will tell if this is so. Hence, we wait and watch, trying to enjoy each day, as much as possible.

This past week, I finally gave in to Spouse's urging to trade the Toylet in for something else. He was wanting me to buy a Toyota Land Cruiser FJ, but I checked them out & the cheapest I could find one at was around $27K & it was a bare-bones package. No thanks. So, when I went to Sioux Falls on Wednesday of last week, to get my tat finished *yeah!*, I stopped at several dealerships, to see what was on the lots & what the pricetags vs. gas milage said. This eventually led me to a dealership on the main drag, where a nice salesman met me at the door.

Now, bear in mind, please, the fact I carry an abhoration for most auto dealers & salespersons. I absolutley loathe salespeople who have that "dead, wet fish" style of handshake, high pressure sales tactics and who won't listen to what I say I want/need. Earlier that day, that's about the only types of sales personnel that I had met, so this new one was rather refreshing. First off, he had a real handshake... not too hard a grip, but firm and sincere. He asked me what I was looking for, really listened and then asked if I wanted him to crunch some numbers. I gave him the go-ahead, with warning that my (tattoo) appointment was at 3 and I did not want to be late.

To begin with, I was amazed he was able to give me more than the payoff value for the Toylet, which needed brakes, a new exhaust system and a heat sensor. Armed with that info, I asked him to show me what vehicles they had on the lot that would fulfill me needs & wants. He led me to the first vehicle, which he said was the best bet for me. At first glance, I thought it was rather large, considering the small size of the Toylet (which is actually a Chevy Tracker - a decent vehicle, if one is curious about it). Once I climbed into the driver's seat, however, it was love at first sit. Heated seats! *drool* Now, if I pee my pants in Watertown, they would be dry by the time I get to Sioux Falls! ;)

Nice interior - leather, all around. Gold Infinity surround sound system. 10-pack CD changer. Moon roof. Power seats, with memory set. Auto locks and alarm system on the doors. Separate zone temp controls. Did I mention heated seats? Plus, fairly low milage and a decent price. It's a Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, 2001 model. Pretty Inferno Red color with taupe leather interior. Niiiiiiicccceeee!

So, I went ahead and signed the papers on it, hoping I hadn't made a huge mistake. This is the first time I've ever purchased a vehicle through a dealership, without my husband along. A scary experience, since almost everyone knows how women are "duped" by car salesmen. I felt fairly confident, however, since this salesman seemed genuine and said the dealership stands behind it's vehicles *why not in front, with the throttle to the floor?* Anyway, I left the dealership, delighted with my comfy new rig and headed for the tat appointment.

Got the tat finished and then began the trek homeward. It was a lovely ride, with the Jeep holding it's ground against the buffetting winds that are common on the prairies, here. No gargoyles clenching my shoulder blades like they did when I drove the Toylet! Lovely!! Then, about 30ish miles south of Watertown, the car began shifting weird and a check engine light came on. Uh oh! Big freakout uh oh!

I drove directly to the dealership business that was in Watertown and called my salesman. Once I told him what happened, he told me to go ahead and go home, since the place was already closed for the day. I should take it in the next day and he said his business would handle everything. So I did. Got an appointment the next day, with time to go pick up Spouse first, so he could be with me. We made it there, got the thing looked at and the service manager told me the part would cost $190 & the labor charge would be $70. My heart sank, but he then got on the phone to the Sioux Falls dealership (both business are related - Billion Automotive) and left messages on the voicemail. The part had to be ordered, so we left and I took Spouse back to the nursing home. He thinks it's a good vehicle, despite the malfunctioning sensor, so I felt better about my choice.

The next day, I was able to get an appointment for Saturday, to get the sensor replaced and was informed the dealership in Sioux Falls was taking care of the cost. They expressed their sincere apologies about any inconvenience I might have experienced due to that malfunction, wanting to be sure I am a happy & satisfied customer. Dang straight, I was really happy to know they were standing behind their good reputation and covering that problem. :D

So, I took the rest of Saturday and all of Sunday off, due to the flu bug that won't go away and slept most of the time. Yesterday, I went to visit Spouse again and was, once again, disappointed in my vehicle. Yes, silly me had to go and wear my flip-flops, thinking my feet would stay nice and cozy once the Jeep heated up. It's been raining here the past couple of days, cold and foggy in places. I wore a light jacket, again, thinking I'd be warm enough in the vehicle. Guess what does not put out any heat, even though the fan will blow non-stop? Even with both temp controls set to 80*F on both sides? Yeppers - the heater is not working, for some reason. *sighs* I called the salesman again, thanking him for taking care of that sensor problem and asked if he'd take care of one more little detail. He told me to take it in, so I have an appointment for this afternoon to get the heater fixed. Dang - when I really want to be at my husband's side, all of these blasted car problems!

Hopefully, once the heater is fixed, there won't be any more car woes for awhile. I'm going to have them (the mechanics) go over the vehicle and do any of the maintenance that is suggested in the owner's manual, so the warranty I purchased will remain in effect. Not that I planned on spending that kind of money so soon, but better to do it now, than to be stuck on the side of a muddy road in the mid-winter storms.

Anyway - that's what has been keeping me away from here the past couple of weeks. Driving Spouse's friends around & to the nursing home, the flu bug, and this new used car challenge. It's usually fairly late in the day, by the time I get home from visiting Spouse, so I'm lucky if I have the energy to visit a couple of blogs (man, am I waaaay behind in reading my faves!), let alone blog or check emails. Bear with me, folks... I miss ya'll madly, but will be back, eventually. Until then - I'll check in when I can. So be good, or don't get caught.

<3

So, Where Was I?

2007-10-16T09:26:00.000-05:00

Aaarrgh! My Eyes!! Your Eyes!!

2007-09-20T22:27:00.001-05:00

*this post was transferred, with comments, from another blog that seems to be going belly up.

Well, since I have maybe enough html talent to fill the very teeny tip of Chica's smallest finger, this is all lI have so far. This will take some time, especially since there is very little time for me to get online for awhile. So far, this new stuff is pretty cool, over my head, but the parts I do understand, I like very much.

Spouse is all moved into the nursing home and I got the phone hooked up yesterday. Found a shortcut that allows me to eliminate 35 miles off the detour. The new route takes me down 10 miles of gravel *mud on rainy days like today*, but thank goodness for having a car with 4X4. I came home a bit early today, to get the lawn mowed, eat some dinner and try to get a bit of housework done, before my sis & bil show up.

They are coming over from Michigan, to help me do a few things, to get the house ready for winter. Little things, like get the sump pump installed correctly, get the kennel situated/installed in the garage, so I can park my car in there this winter. If time allows, my bil will help me reseat the toilet, since Spouse busted the seal loose one of the times he fell on to it, too hard. I think that is how I'll wind up spending my birthday - gittin' 'er done stuff.

Tomorrow, I'll have a full day of chores to get done, too, before they arrive. Fresh linens on the bed they shall use, take the garbage to the dump, get the oil changed in the Toylet, wash the sheets on my bed, somehow at least make it smell like I did some housework. This past couple of weeks, I've just been stacking stuff on top of stuff, as I come into the house, so there's things to put away. Then, after I get all of that done, I'll scoot on over to the nursing home, to visit with Spouse, until my kin arrives. They are going to come straight to the nursing home, because Spouse wants to discuss his guns with the bil, while his mind *spouse's mind, that is* is still somewhat clear. That's another thing I'll be doing, while they are visiting. Spouse wants to give the BIL a couple of the guns, but the majority of the others, I shall be selling. I'm keeping a couple for myself and there are a few folks who Spouse has bequeathed one to. My dear BIL will help me compile an inventory of what there is & the value of each, hopefully.

Anyhoo - gonna be super busy the next few days, so don't panic if you don't hear from me. I'll check in, when/if possible. Forgive me, too, please - for not coming by to check out all the new layouts and read your posts. The way things are going, I'll have enough catching up to do, when things settle down, to get me through the winter.

Is there a layout fairy here that would help me create a butt-kicking new design?

******************************
Take Care of Yourself
Posted on Sep. 20, 2007 at 11:34 PM by Nikkie
Sounds like you are going to be busy busy. Take time for yourself in all this okay?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you. It's going to be a chock full day, but I promise to at least go to the bathroom alone. ;) With my sis & bil here to help me and they have to leave Sunday, to head home, I'm going to get everything done that can be in the short time they'll be here. I can always take time for myself (to eat the licorice allsorts they sent earlier this week) after they have departed. :)

******************************
Happy Birthday
Posted on Sep. 21, 2007 at 11:39 AM by sladewilson
Happy Birthday, darlin....

~~~~~~~~~~

Thank ya, very much, Handsome!

**************************************
Happy Birthday!
Posted on Sep. 21, 2007 at 6:28 PM by
You old bat.

~~~~~~~~~~~

You adorable little fucker. ;)

*******************************

Posted on Sep. 21, 2007 at 10:51 PM by DeeJay
*sings*

Happy Birthday to YOU!

*whispers* I'd finish the song, but your ears would hurt! I hope your day has been wonderful!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aw! *blushes* You're so sweet. Thank you! It's tomorrow, but already off to a great start, because my sister & bil came to visit & help with the chores! THAT makes it a really great birthday! wheeeeee! :D

Seee? I told ya it was enabled! ;)

**********************************************************
Posted on Sep. 22, 2007 at 12:21 AM by Chica
FINALLY!!

I can comment here!!!

Good to see you Ms thang!

I can give you a hand with your design in a couple days if you don't mind, or if you find someone before then, then go for it. :)

<3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:D Thanks to you most excellent tuts, I've been playing a wee bit with the html & finally got my blog centered tonight. I tried to add a background (remember the purple with dragonflies you made?) but am lost with where to put it in this layout html. I tried using the tut you offered, but it only put the background image over my title thingy above.

This weekend, I'm going to be offline, working on winterizing the farm, before my sis & bil leave for Michigan. So - no worries about when. You have been a Godsend to so many of us here, as well as the others *Welsh Pixie, for starters* who have been helping. I really appreciate how you make the tuts so user (and computard) friendly. :D Love ya!

*************************************
*waves frantically*
Posted on Sep. 22, 2007 at 6:14 AM by Eclectablog
Hiya, Kimmi! I'm probably not the blog guru you want but I can lend a hand as time allows. I have a feeling if we all wait a few days, things are going to get a lot easier.

BTW, consider yourself linked.

A very happy birfday to ya!

**********************************************
Happy Birthday!
Posted on Sep. 22, 2007 at 9:49 AM by littleMissConfused
Take time for yourself! The blogs will be here when you get time. I think this time around EFX isn't going any where.
*hug*

***************************
Happy Belated B-day!
Posted on Sep. 24, 2007 at 10:20 AM by bitzky
So sorry not wishing it sooner, but I wasn't able to leave a comment.

Anyway, I wish you and Spouse all the health you will ever need, all the money you can ever spend and all the love you already have! *hug* :)

******************************
busy V
Posted on Sep. 25, 2007 at 12:41 AM by ben
I sent you telepathic birthday wishes from the lake, I hope you got them!
I am glad you are getting some help to fix things up for winter and I think the company will be good for you too.

*************************************
happy birthday
Posted on Sep. 26, 2007 at 9:55 PM by jelene
happy birthday!!! yay! i found you over here!! i just signed up today... didn't know about it until just this afternoon. ;)
i hope you are doing well!!

2007-09-20T22:27:00.000-05:00

*this post was transferred, with comments, from another blog that seems to be going belly up.*

Well, since I have maybe enough html talent to fill the very teeny tip of Chica's smallest finger, this is all lI have so far. This will take some time, especially since there is very little time for me to get online for awhile. So far, this new stuff is pretty cool, over my head, but the parts I do understand, I like very much.

Spouse is all moved into the nursing home and I got the phone hooked up yesterday. Found a shortcut that allows me to eliminate 35 miles off the detour. The new route takes me down 10 miles of gravel *mud on rainy days like today*, but thank goodness for having a car with 4X4. I came home a bit early today, to get the lawn mowed, eat some dinner and try to get a bit of housework done, before my sis & bil show up.

They are coming over from Michigan, to help me do a few things, to get the house ready for winter. Little things, like get the sump pump installed correctly, get the kennel situated/installed in the garage, so I can park my car in there this winter. If time allows, my bil will help me reseat the toilet, since Spouse busted the seal loose one of the times he fell on to it, too hard. I think that is how I'll wind up spending my birthday - gittin' 'er done stuff.

Tomorrow, I'll have a full day of chores to get done, too, before they arrive. Fresh linens on the bed they shall use, take the garbage to the dump, get the oil changed in the Toylet, wash the sheets on my bed, somehow at least make it smell like I did some housework. This past couple of weeks, I've just been stacking stuff on top of stuff, as I come into the house, so there's things to put away. Then, after I get all of that done, I'll scoot on over to the nursing home, to visit with Spouse, until my kin arrives. They are going to come straight to the nursing home, because Spouse wants to discuss his guns with the bil, while his mind *spouse's mind, that is* is still somewhat clear. That's another thing I'll be doing, while they are visiting. Spouse wants to give the BIL a couple of the guns, but the majority of the others, I shall be selling. I'm keeping a couple for myself and there are a few folks who Spouse has bequeathed one to. My dear BIL will help me compile an inventory of what there is & the value of each, hopefully.

Anyhoo - gonna be super busy the next few days, so don't panic if you don't hear from me. I'll check in, when/if possible. Forgive me, too, please - for not coming by to check out all the new layouts and read your posts. The way things are going, I'll have enough catching up to do, when things settle down, to get me through the winter.

Is there a layout fairy here that would help me create a butt-kicking new design?

******************************
Take Care of Yourself
Posted on Sep. 20, 2007 at 11:34 PM by Nikkie
Sounds like you are going to be busy busy. Take time for yourself in all this okay?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you. It's going to be a chock full day, but I promise to at least go to the bathroom alone. ;) With my sis & bil here to help me and they have to leave Sunday, to head home, I'm going to get everything done that can be in the short time they'll be here. I can always take time for myself (to eat the licorice allsorts they sent earlier this week) after they have departed. :)

******************************
Happy Birthday
Posted on Sep. 21, 2007 at 11:39 AM by sladewilson
Happy Birthday, darlin....

~~~~~~~~~~

Thank ya, very much, Handsome!

**************************************
Happy Birthday!
Posted on Sep. 21, 2007 at 6:28 PM by
You old bat.

~~~~~~~~~~~

You adorable little fucker. ;)

*******************************

Posted on Sep. 21, 2007 at 10:51 PM by DeeJay
*sings*

Happy Birthday to YOU!

*whispers* I'd finish the song, but your ears would hurt! I hope your day has been wonderful!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aw! *blushes* You're so sweet. Thank you! It's tomorrow, but already off to a great start, because my sister & bil came to visit & help with the chores! THAT makes it a really great birthday! wheeeeee! :D

Seee? I told ya it was enabled! ;)

**********************************************************
Posted on Sep. 22, 2007 at 12:21 AM by Chica
FINALLY!!

I can comment here!!!

Good to see you Ms thang!

I can give you a hand with your design in a couple days if you don't mind, or if you find someone before then, then go for it. :)

<3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:D Thanks to you most excellent tuts, I've been playing a wee bit with the html & finally got my blog centered tonight. I tried to add a background (remember the purple with dragonflies you made?) but am lost with where to put it in this layout html. I tried using the tut you offered, but it only put the background image over my title thingy above.

This weekend, I'm going to be offline, working on winterizing the farm, before my sis & bil leave for Michigan. So - no worries about when. You have been a Godsend to so many of us here, as well as the others *Welsh Pixie, for starters* who have been helping. I really appreciate how you make the tuts so user (and computard) friendly. :D Love ya!

*************************************
*waves frantically*
Posted on Sep. 22, 2007 at 6:14 AM by Eclectablog
Hiya, Kimmi! I'm probably not the blog guru you want but I can lend a hand as time allows. I have a feeling if we all wait a few days, things are going to get a lot easier.

BTW, consider yourself linked.

A very happy birfday to ya!

**********************************************
Happy Birthday!
Posted on Sep. 22, 2007 at 9:49 AM by littleMissConfused
Take time for yourself! The blogs will be here when you get time. I think this time around EFX isn't going any where.
*hug*

***************************
Happy Belated B-day!
Posted on Sep. 24, 2007 at 10:20 AM by bitzky
So sorry not wishing it sooner, but I wasn't able to leave a comment.

Anyway, I wish you and Spouse all the health you will ever need, all the money you can ever spend and all the love you already have! *hug* :)

******************************
busy V
Posted on Sep. 25, 2007 at 12:41 AM by ben
I sent you telepathic birthday wishes from the lake, I hope you got them!
I am glad you are getting some help to fix things up for winter and I think the company will be good for you too.

*************************************
happy birthday
Posted on Sep. 26, 2007 at 9:55 PM by jelene
happy birthday!!! yay! i found you over here!! i just signed up today... didn't know about it until just this afternoon. ;)
i hope you are doing well!!

A Hard Post

2007-09-16T11:20:00.000-05:00

The phone woke me this morning, with a nurse from the hospital on the other end of the line. She told me that Spouse had gotten some bad news this morning and he wanted to talk to me, desperately. It was something about what his doctor told him and he was very upset. So, I had her connect me with his room and soon, someone answered the phone for him and held it to his ear.

While I was on the phone with him, my phone beeped (I'm really starting to loathe anything that beeps), so I put him on hold to take the other call. It was his doctor, a nice woman, I think, from the tone of her voice. She made sure I was sitting down and asked if I had spoken to my husband yet. Yes, and he had shared what he understood, enough that he was afraid and crying. So, I asked her to tell me exactly what is going on, please.

You've got to understand that I appreciate honesty, even if the truth is painful, far more than being jerked around with blinders on. Limbo is for pussies & I don't even like to go there. Life is too short, too fragile for folks to hem & haw about important things. So, for this doctor to kindly, but clearly, inform me of Spouse's condition, is a huge blessing, no matter how hard it was to tell me & for me to hear it.

She told me that while Spouse was doing so well on Friday, for some reason, his liver has now begun the shutdown process. It is so damaged that there is little else they can do for him, at this point. She has informed the nursing home that is closer and is choreographing the assistance of Hospice care to be with him for the remainder of time he has left. She gently told me that he has 3 to 4 months left, but if family and friends want to see him & be able to communicate with him, then they need to get here in the next couple of weeks. After that, he won't really be able to visit, won't be the person most folks adore and remember.

Maybe I am in shock, just a bit, from the news, because I've been crying off and on, since speaking to his doctor. All I can do is try to be with him, as often as possible, so there may very well be some lags in future posts on my blogs. I am really glad I got the tattoo, now, because I will always have the reminder of the special gift of love that Spouse has been to me this past decade. It may be challenging, over the next few weeks, but I am going to do my damnedest to remain positive and strong for my beloved, to encourage him when he needs it. And when it is time for him to let go & meet the God of his understanding, I will be there with him, granting my blessings and prayers for a peaceful release.

My dear friends, now, more than ever, I covet your prayers, positive energy and good thoughts. Spouse & I have accepted there will be no healing and even though the thought saddens us, we are okay with that. I know that Spouse's fear comes from worrying about me... what will happen to me, after the love of my life has left this plane of existence? Help me, with your prayers, good thoughts and positive energy, to show him I will be okay, heartbroken, but okay, when that day arrives. I have all faith the God of my Understanding will continue to meet my needs on a daily basis, as He always has done before. Let my love meet his rest with a clear conscience and a happy heart. Please help me pray that my gift from God will be able to leave, when the day comes, knowing he will hear the words he longs to hear from his Maker, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Well done."

Tat's all, folks!

2007-09-15T01:38:00.000-05:00

Thursday afternoon sucked! Maybe it was the paint fumes, who knows? Anyway, I was trying to get out of town & down to see Spouse as early as possible, but a Higher Power must've wanted me to delay my departure. I didn't get the painting completely finished until after noon. As soon as the mess was cleaned up, tools put away & the car packed with things Spouse wanted, my overnight bag & the two indoor doggies, I locked up the house and set out toward the VA hospital. I drove 2 miles, turned onto the blacktop from the gravel road and went maybe a 1/4 of a mile when OHSh**!! I swear she wasn't there a moment before, but must have been lurking in the cornfield. It was the scariest thing, because she wasn't there and then, suddenly, I see her face in the corner of the windshield, on the passenger side. Running alongside the car and then INTO the side of my car! A yearling doe, too stupid to know she couldn't outrun my car & jump it at the same time, stumbled or something and went underneath the rear tire. I slammed on the brakes, as soon as I saw her tiny face in the glass and then she disappeared... underneath the front passenger window. It all happened so fast and the next thing I know, my car goes over her & I watched in the rear view mirror, as she fell to the ground, right in the middle of my lane. It was 3 in the afternoon & we rarely see deer out at that time of day. She was as dead as she was ever going to get, so I pulled back onto the road and drove to the vet office. I took Muffin and Chikki inside and used their phone to call the sheriff. They said they would send someone out to move her off the road and then inquired as to how badly my car was damaged. I looked out the window of the vet's office and was stunned to see there wasn't a hair out of place on the toylet. Not a single teensy ding from the collision. Wow!

So, that taken care of, I left my babies with the vet for an overnight stay and began my journey south. As I drove along, I realized I'd forgotten to put my wedding rings back on, after cleaning up from the painting. Then, I began to wonder if there wasn't an orphan fawn hiding in the corn & wondering why mommy wouldn't get up from the road. I turned around and headed back toward home. As I passed my poor deer victim, I saw she was probably too young to have fawned this year, so I breathed a sigh of relief on that worry. I still felt awful about it though. Sick, even.

Once at the house, I put on my rings and remembered I forgot the bag of garden fresh tomatoes that Spouse has been craving. There was a farmer's market in Watertown earlier this week and I bought him some barely ripe ones. Grabbed the bag and was eventually on the road. Crap, after 2 pm by now & I knew I was going to miss an appointment I had set up earlier in the day. The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful, thankfully and I had a nice, but short visit with Spouse. He was pretty tired & I was too, from going up & down the ladder during my paint project. I left his room and headed out to the motel where I like to stay. Er... liked to stay, until Thursday night.

Usually, I have gotten nice rooms there, with beds that are comfortable to sleep on. Not this trip, kids. I was given one of their older rooms that hasn't been touched by the recent remodeling they've been doing. The heat/air fan didn't work, but the room seemed a bit stuffy. The curtains didn't close all the way, so I opened up the window and walked the 1/2 mile to the front desk for a safety pin. Got back with the pin and secured the curtain, so I would feel more comfortable about sitting around in my jammies in the room. Looked for the non-existant ice bucket & returned to the front desk for one. Yay! Lookit all the calories I burned for ice. I got the ice, returned to my room and took a well deserved hot shower. I'm so glad that worked.

Once in my jammies, I sipped my Rx Stress tea and watched a little tv, to help me unwind. Half of the bed was as hard as stone, the other side wasn't bad. So, I closed the window, because I'm paranoid about open motel windows on the ground floor and snuggled under the covers for some rest. It took me a bit to finally get to sleep & when I did, I was entertaining myself with a nice dream.

Dreamt I was in Chicago, staying in a luxurious hotel, in a penthouse suite. Most of the walls of my suite were glass, giving me a panoramic view of the beautiful city lights at night. For some reason, I was standing at the railing of the loft that was in my suite and I, apparently was hosting a party. Were you there? *shrugs shoulders* I dunno, but the suite was packed. I looked at the floor below and saw a boatload of gorgeous, scantily clad men dancing and waving at me. Nothing wrong with THIS dream yet, was there? As I watched the men dancing, I could hear a persistant "beep" about every 3 minutes. The crowd in the room got really loud and somebody screamed. I turned to see what was wrong and several of the party guests were pointing at the windows and getting angry because it had started snowing. They were blaming me for the snow, since I came from S. Dakota. I never promised my dream would make sense, btw. The persisitant "beep" continued, while the crowd began discussing something about a lynching and pulled me from my slumber. I laid still for a few minutes and heard the "beep" again. It wasn't my cellphone, but the smoke alarm in the room. The battery had died and the smoke alarm insisted on it being replaced. Now. "beep" 3 freaking a.m. & the smoke alarm wants me to change the battery. Frickin' crap. I called the front desk and a pudgy man came huffing down the 1/2 mile corridor from the front desk, with the wrong kind of batteries in his pocket. After about 45 minutes, he gave up and ripped the smoke alarm off the wall, once we realized the damned thing would continue beeping, even without the current dead battery inside. One of THOSE kind of smoke alarms. Lovely. I eventually got to crawl back into my bed, after the clerk left, huffing and beeping all the way back to the front desk.

This morning I woke up with a serious case of bed head. Fixed that & took another hike down to the front of the motel for the continental breakfast. Everything was pretty well picked over, so I settled for a slice of wheat toast with peanut butter. Back to my room, put on a bit of eye makeup, while eating my breakfast and sipping my coffee. Made it to the hospital, in plenty of time for the care team/family plan of action meeting that was held on Spouse's behalf. A lot was discussed and I was able to ask lots of questions. I also, handed over the two bottles of morphine tablets, because I don't want them in the house. No sense in keeping it here, since he won't be coming home & I won't use the stuff. The meeting went well and Spouse is definitely going to a nursing home, when he is well enough. The tentative date for that transition is October 2, but that depends on if he is able to gain some more strength back by then. If not, then they'll push the date back a bit, to give him more time.

Spouse & I got to visit for a bit, then I went to buy him some clothes. Sleep pants, actually. On sale, too. Sweet. Dropped them off and then I drove to the grand establishment of Permanent Addictions. The guy who did my llama told me he would not be able to do my new tat, today, after all, but passed me on to another guy who worked there. Jon Gamache. There's a pic of him in the slide show I'm going to try to add here. Sweet guy, great personality and outlook on life. He played his music and introduced me to a group that I really like! I'm going to get the two CDs that I heard while Jon worked on my arm. Check them out... Wookie Foot. So, about 3 1/2 hours later, I have the majority of the new tat finished. It needs to heal for a couple of weeks, before he will add the scales of the fish.

The reason for this design? Okay - the fish is symbolic for Spouse, because he's a Pices. The dragonfly symbolizes me, because I like 'em & fish don't normally eat llamas. I wanted this design to be representative of the love Spouse & I share. My arm is sore as heck and I'm going to hit the sack now. Enjoy the play by play of my new tat's development. Oh ya, there's also a pic of my new haircut in that wee show. Stop laughing! ;)

My tat slideshow

New colors

2007-09-12T23:06:00.000-05:00

Today has been a busy one for me. Well, not the entire day, but the part I was awake was busy enough. This past week, I stopped in at the Menard's in Watertown and bought the stuff I would need to paint a wall in my kitchen. I may do a couple more of the walls, but for now, want to see if I'm happy with the one wall, first. My house has a fairly pretty kitchen, but it's one drawback, for me, is the walls, ceiling and cabinets are all white. *snore* At first, I considered painting the cabinets, but changed my mind, because I'm lazy. The top cupboards have glass inserts & I was not looking forward to taking down all of the doors and taping off all of the glass. So, I took the few things off the wall *3 pics* and have been taping off the woodwork. I did put a bit of the paint on the wall, before tackling that, so I'd be able to see how the color appeals to me. It's nice, a bit more blue than I wanted, but it's drying into a lovely shade.

In the meantime, Chica-X, aka Kel, has been working on the code to allow me to return the navbar to my blog. She is a gem, folks - a real DOLL! :D

Back to work, folks. Just thought I'd check in and say, "Hey!".

Gotter Figgered!

2007-09-12T04:15:00.000-05:00

Whelp! That's about how much work it takes, to get a post and do all that stuff, but I finally figured out how to get around not having a navbar on my blog. :D I just have to visit a link in my petting zu and then part of my navbar shows up. Go figger!

Now that's settled, I'm going to bed for a couple of hours.

Nite, er Morning, ya'll!

Ummm - Uh Oh?

2007-09-12T02:21:00.000-05:00

So - how's it starting to look, kids? Nice, eh? Chica-X aka Kel, gets all the cred for the design stuff. Tomorrow, I will redo the links and such, if I am able to access them. There's not a nav bar in this design, so who knows if I will be able to get back to this place, once I save everything, so far, and head off to bed. It's either that, or leave my editing page open all night. I dun't think so, Lucy. ;) Still, I love it & really owe Kel bigtime, for all of her hard work and wonderful help. The gal is priceless, that's for sure!!!

My Tammy Faye Makeover

2007-09-10T02:20:00.000-05:00

Well, obviously, my sense of color needs some work here. Actually, what I need is a better memory when it comes to the editing of the html. I found a shoutbox that I like, but still want to make the colors match the background of that background box. A work in progress, kids. I have also located several of my efx2 friends and have included linkage to their blogs here. Some of them (the respective blogs) have not been used since November of last year or even further back in time. Hopefully, they (the bloggers) will resurface here and discover the new homes.

I've got a ton of questions about this place - like how did my friends who commented already know I was here? Is there a membership list someplace or was my new blog highlighted for a minute or something? Either way, I'm glad to have been found by them. If you find your blog isn't listed & we are buds, let me know where you are blogging now, so I can edit the linkage.

So... whatcha think? Should I go with the purple eyeliner or the green? ;)

Transition

2007-09-09T12:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning, I awoke, eager to blog about the past couple of days. I'd been very busy, researching and touring the few nursing homes near enough to home, where Spouse would be placed soon. Imagine my dismay at finding my blog gone - unavailable because the server was gone. Apparently, there was some sort of phishing scam connected to the removal of the entire blog community from the server. Some yadumaz had exploited our server, through the scripts or whatever & this was the third time it had occurred. So, because there was some sort of TOS violation, the entire blog site was yanked off the air. All of the hard work and creative endeavors of so many wonderful people was simply wiped away.

That's why I'm here now. Eventually, I shall customize my blog settings, so that the place seems more "me". In the meanwhile, I'm going to look forward to seeing my friends here... hopefully. They will recognize me, for now, by my pix of my previous critters. :D

Lurgle on!!!

Painful Gifts

2007-09-06T01:18:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's the last time I celebrate the end of a decade!!! If I ever mention planning on doing so in the future, please tie me up long enough to read this post. As most of you know, Spouse & I were married ten years ago, on this day. I drove down and spent the day with him, which included a beautiful and quite yummy cake that I ordered from the store. We were able to share the cake with some of the other veterans on his ward and the nursing staff. I brought a chunk home for me to have for breakfast & he's got a chunk for tomorrow, too. That was nice, sharing the cake with the guys & nurses. They enjoyed it too. I got some nice bike gloves for Spouse - the type without fingers, so he won't hurt his hands wheeling himself around in his chariot. I picked up a nice Sony CD/mp3/FM radio walkman for him, as well & took some of his fave CDs down, so he can enjoy his music. He was rocking out to Santana when I left to go home.

So, what did I get? You really wanna know? I'll try to condense it into a list...

the first thing I got was a dog bite on my calf, last night. One of the outside kids accidentally bit my leg, when he was going for another of the kids. The other kid moved his nose and my leg took the snap. It was an accident, otherwise, he would have been taken to the vet today, for the long nap. That's 1, Boscoe. Ouch.

A spider bit me on the bottom of my foot, while I was sleeping. Perhaps it happened this morning, while I was oversleeping because I forgot to set the alarm & my sis forgot she was supposed to give me a wake up call. Either way, I slept through the bite & now it itches. At least, it's on the opposite leg as the dog bite. Ouch & itch.

A torn muscle in my lower back, when I leaned over to put on my undies, after the shower. That's the first time I realized you can actually hear a muscle rip. What a weird riiiiip-pop sound that was. Ouch.

Had a few near misses and mechanical mishaps, en route to the VA, but am glad the car didn't roll and I survived the rest, as well. Damn lucky, to be honest. I should be dead, but no scratches and no dings in the car either. Can you say miracle? By the way, that ditch is a helluva lot deeper than it looks from the road. Whew!

Started paying Much better attention and had a fairly uneventful trip & visit with Spouse. I left, with enough time to make it home before dark thirty and stopped at Sonic to get a cherry limeade for the ride. Love those things. Every time I drink one, I think back to the time my sis & I were working on Mom's house, following her funeral. We went to Sonic every day for the cherry limeades. Now, when I have one, a smile is guaranteed to be plastered on my face. Funny how some foods and drinks will do that. I got a huge one, so I'm still drinking & smiling. :D

Stopped at the Target in Watertown, mostly to drain the vein & to check out if there was anything in the clearance that I might want. Spouse told me to go get myself something as his anniversary present for me, since he is unable to get to the stores. Found a pretty pair of earrings in the clearance and headed toward the registers. En route, I went past the jewelry counters & discovered a bracelet that matches, exactly, the new earrings. In the budget & now mine, mine, all mine! Pretty, sparkly and they both match a ring I recently got. Nice! Thank you, Spouse.

Began the trek home, now that I'd found a little something from Spouse to me, and drove past all the burger joints without stopping. I thought the day had finally turned around & was going to close nicely. Pulled into our driveway, glad to see the porch light and turned off the car. Home sweet home, right? Went into the garage to feed the outside kids their dinner and took 4 tasty biscuits out of the jar that I keep in the file cabinet. Yes, I said that. If I left it out in the open, they'd figure how to take the lid off the jar. I know they would. That or eat through the jar, to get the biscuits. Handed one to Boscoe, one to Lil' Bit, one to Ingo and then started to hand one to Anwar. He was excited and chomped down on the biscuit, and my thumbnail. His fang left a tiny blue bruise in the middle of my thumbnail. It hurt so bad, the next finger hurts, too. That's 1, Anni. It'll heal. So will the other dog bite on my leg, the spider bite, the torn back muscle and the blister on my heel.

The way I see it, I earned the earrings and bracelet & so I finally decided what Spouse is getting me for our anniversary. He's buying me a new tattoo. I have some scars on my left arm, from way back when I was a kid & a cutter. I'd like something pretty with dragonflies and pansies... anyone want to contribute a design that is about 2.5 to 3 inches squarish?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Shattered Millstones

2007-08-30T01:16:00.000-05:00

Warning - this post is a mini-novel!

Was it only last evening the brilliant glow of the full moon lit the freeways and highways, as I motored the Toylet toward our little house on the prairie? As I headed north, through the mini-blizzards of tiny moths and night bugs, the dark rain clouds eventually gave way to a star sparkled indigo sky and the temperatures began to drop. The cool breeze felt wonderful against my skin, as I flicked ashes from my cigarette out the partly open window. The hour was late, my body exhausted, but it felt as if an millstone had been lifted from my shoulders. A smile soon replaced the new nervous tick that recently began tormenting the corner of my mouth. The car seemed to drive itself, as I lost my thoughts in the beauty of the midnight hour, off the freeway, to the highway, then down the small town street which led to the gravel roads that led to our driveway. I was glad I'd had the foresight to leave the front porch light on, a welcoming beacon to home. As I pulled off the gravel road into the drive, the outside dogs began a chorus of excited yelps and barking, while two of the cats came scampering from the shelter of the moon-washed red barn to greet me. It seemed as if this was the first time, in many, many months, I was glad to come home. The funny thing is, my feelings of guilt about feeling so free were fleeting, then gone. Chikki and Muffin, the house dogs, were both kenneled overnight at the vets, so I only had to thank the outside dogs and kitties for their lovely serenade and take the few belongings into the quiet, empty house.

The house was dark, except for the few corners that were dimly lit by the glowing moon and yard light. A television, left on in Spouse's bedroom, broke the silence, as I left the kitchen and headed toward my own bedroom, where my pajamas laid waiting for me on the bed. It felt wonderful to be home, with no worry of whether Spouse was laying on the floor in his own feces or needing something immediately. I took my time to change into the jammies, enjoying the opportunity to not feel rushed and stressed out. It was the first time in what seemed ages I did not have to walk on eggshells in my own home.

On Sunday afternoon, I decided, after discussing it with a few family members and a friend in the medical profession, to accept that it was time to let go. Spouse was no longer trying to participate in his health & recovery, rather he had taken to his bed and refused to do his exercises and therapies. More and more, he opted to sleep instead of getting up and sharing the day with me. His appetite was nearly non-existent and it was a struggle to get him to eat. I realized there was a possibility of that urinary infection returning, which would explain the behaviors and his muddled thoughts.

On Sunday, it was almost impossible to awaken him and this frightened me, big time. The moment had finally arrived when I knew that no matter how dearly I loved this man, my skills were inadequate to provide the type of care he needed. It was increasingly difficult to pick him up from the floor when he fell, now that my shoulder and back were injured from previous struggles to get him up from the floor. The man is not a feather-weight, but rather a fragile, stiff and heavy person who was unable to understand the lifting process, let alone be of much help when he did have to be lifted. I now understood that if he continued to live at home, not only would my own health be compromised beyond repair, it was no longer safe for him to remain in my care. No, I would never hurt him intentionally, but I could not continue the 24 hour, round the clock care and stress of trying to help him get well. Especially if this blasted urinary infection was going to keep returning and making him so sick every few weeks.

I phoned the neighbor (our neighbors are such a blessing!) and asked for some help in getting Spouse to the car. With his help, I began trying to convince a very impudent Spouse that he needed to get in the car, to make it to a doctor appointment. I knew he would be argumentative if I said we were going to the hospital in Sioux Falls, so I warped the truth a bit. Even so, Spouse refused to stand and began calling me by his previous wife's name and telling me there was no f*#!@ng way he was going anyplace with Veronica. The neighbor's eyes grew as large as saucers, upon hearing me gently remind Spouse that he was no longer married to her, but it was me, his "Pooh" taking him on a road trip. Yep, that was humorous, indeed.

It only took about half an hour to get him down the steps and into the vehicle, then buckled in. My good neighbor stayed outside and chatted with Spouse while I went back inside to grab a few of Spouse's belongings. Even so, in my own frazzled state of mind, I was unable to locate his glasses and totally forgot about his teeth that were soaking in the bathroom. I remembered the teeth, about halfway to the hospital (an hour & 1/2 later), and put them on my mental list of things to take the next time I visited Spouse. With his condition being so compromised, I knew he would have just choked on them anyway.

Once we on the road, he fell back asleep and I was kept company by the radio. As we entered the outskirts of the huge city, Spouse woke up and began reaching for the visor above his head. When asked what he might be doing, he informed me that he was doing my job, arranging the lights. Huh? Arranging the damned lights in the car, of course! Was I an idiot or something? Um, yep, probably so. I watched him, between keeping my eyes on the increasing traffic of the city and I understood what he was doing, finally. The lights from the cars behind us were shining on the visor and he felt they were not in the proper place. I figured it kept him occupied, so just let him have his fun. If only that fun of his had lasted longer.

Suddenly, he had a moment of clarity and he became extremely agitated! He recognized where we were and demanded to know wtf was going on. Why were we in Sioux Falls, in the dark of night and going toward the VA hospital? He struggled to grab the gear shifter on the console between us and we had a minor scuffle over ownership of it. Fortunately, I had gotten off of the freeway by now and was taking a back road to the hospital that is less congested, especially at night. My hand claimed a firm grip on the gear shifter and he relented, sitting back in his seat and going back to sleep.

Another potential for danger averted, I continued on to the Urgent Care parking area. Once I had parked the car, I woke Spouse up long enough to give him his sleeping pills. I knew that once he realized what was going on, he would prove to be difficult inside the triage area. He started to try to get out of the car, but I was able to convince him to wait until I had a wheelchair for him to get around in. Again, he laid back in his seat and started snoring; meanwhile, I hurried inside to get some help and the chariot.

The nurse and the male receptionist came outside to help unload him and we got him into the facility with only a little bit of difficulty. I explained to them how the past week had been, with Spouse going downhill again so fast and how I suspected his urinary infection had returned. Lab work was done, a chest x-ray taken and his vitals were triaged. I was alarmed to learn his
blood pressure was 89/68 and his temperature had finally gotten over 100*F. It hadn't been that high, the temp, when I took it at home, but then it was hard to tell if he had the thermometer under his tongue correctly. Must remember to use the armpit in the future. He slept through the majority of the admitting process and the examinations by the nurses, lab techs and the resident doctor. The tall, young and handsome resident doctor who resembled the character on Grey's Anatomy... not George or McSteamy, but the one called Alex, I think. Yeah, that good looking. The kind of handsome that makes a fat gal gulp and shudder involuntarily.

The results from the tests started to come back from the lab and they admitted Spouse immediately. I was right about the urinary infection and he was malnourished, dehydrated and God knows what else. It was hard to remain firm in my knowledge that I'd tried everything possible to prevent the malnourishment and the dehydration, but I felt painful twinges of guilt, anyway. Even though I had been feeding him, as often as possible, he kept refusing to eat anything after a few bites. He was nearer to death this
time, than he had been on the previous two times I rushed him down there. When I heard about the malnourishment and dehydration, a nub of fear began to fester within me, fear that someone in that system would accuse me of neglecting my beloved. That nub of fear lingers, still, even with my knowing I did my part to get him to eat and drink enough. The kind nurse in the urgent care told me that the side effects of the Lactulose (explosive squirts) probably played the biggest role in that factor of his condition, which was slightly reassuring.

Soon, he was taken upstairs to a private room and we got him settled in. I remained, answering the questions asked by the floor charge nurse and spoke with the doctor on duty. It was well after 3 a.m. when I finally was able to leave, so I left my cell number wth the nurses on duty and began the long trek home. By the time I got home, ate my own breakfast, lunch and dinner for Sunday and settled my weary self into bed, it was 6 a.m., Monday morning. A pounding headache and a thousand thoughts kept me from peaceful slumber, as well as the phone ringing at 7 a.m. (friggin telemarketers!), the meter man coming to read the meter and setting the dogs off and then more phone calls until I gave in and got up at noon. A good, hot shower helped a bit, but I was so frazzled and the headache was making me ill. There's nothing like a good vomit to make such feelings seem so special. Multiplying that by 3 made it all the better.

Spouse telephoned me, with the help of a nurse at just before noon, which was why I got up. He was crying and ordering me to come down there and get him. His agitation grated on my already tormented nerves and I lied to him, saying I'd be there later. My pleas for some rest and mercy had no effect on his still clouded mind, so I told him to take a nap and I'd see him later. I hung up on Spouse and called the nurse back, explaining I had an award winning migraine and would not be coming down that day. There really was no sense in me going back down, knowing full well that he was still very sick, his judgment was impaired and the drive would probably kill me and who knew what or who else, because I would certainly fall asleep behind the wheel in my current condition. I suggested they "knock him out" and let her know I'd be down the following day.

The remainder of Monday is a bit of a blur, but I went to bed rather early and finally got some decent sleep. Tuesday, early in the day, I awoke, feeling refreshed, but nervous. This was the day I planned on speaking to a social worker and inquiring about our options on getting Spouse admitted into a nursing facility near home. I called the vet and made arrangements for Chikki and Muffin, so they would not be stuck in the house all day alone. Found the missing eyeglasses and gathered the teeth and a few other things for Spouse to take along. After dropping the dogs off at the vet, I steered the car toward Sioux Falls, once again.

The sky mimicked my emotions, threatening to burst with a storm of waterworks. Dark, ominous clouds hovered above and spittles of raindrops hit the windshield intermittenly. The air seemed as heavy as my own heart and I was glad we had tinted windows on the Toylet, so nobody could see the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. I was dreading the moment when I would be telling Spouse that something had to change or he would outlive me. My car was on the freeway for less than an hour of the three hour journey when the skys really broke loose. By then, I had no tears left and the headache had returned with a vengance.

It rained the rest of the trip, as I continued southbound to the hospital. When I parked the car in the crowded parking lot, the sun shone for a moment, while I gathered the things to take upstairs to Spouse's room. I stepped out of the car, locked the door and the torrential downpour began, once more. Ah well, at least the bad hair coloring tended to look better when my hair was wet.

When I reached the information-greeter desk in the lobby of the facility, I stopped to ask about the social worker. The volunteer looked in his greeter's manual for the extension to call and dialed someone on the phone. He handed me the reciever and a man on the other end of the line gave me the info I needed to proceed. With the slip of paper in hand, which I had scribbled the name and extension number on, I headed to the elevators, with a heavy lump of dread in my stomach.

When I reached Spouse's room, I tried to paste my best happy waitress face on. He glared at me and started a tirade about me not coming after him the previous day. He refused my kiss and started crying. My own heart was breaking, but I was angry, as well. He was blaming me for his being in the hospital again and not taking any responsibility for his own inaction that led to him needing emergency medical care again. Keeping the state of his mind and emotions, as well as the cause of them, in my own mind, I attempted to kindly inform him that my taking him down there had saved his life. I then explained that I hadn't come the previous day because I was sick, really sick and it would have been dangerous for me to have tried driving.

Soon enough, he softened and acknowledged his behaviors were selfish and childish, asking me for a kiss. We sat and chatted for a short while and then I slipped out into the hall so his nurse could remove the bedpan and clean him up. I made a mental note to put getting a bedpan for future emergencies at home. A nurse in the hall pointed me to an in-house telephone, where I could call the social worker to set up a meeting time. I left a message and returned to Spouse's room, where we talked about a lot of things, but not about my plan to research nursing home options.

The social worker appeared in his doorway about an hour later, followed by his doctor. Spouse was across the hall, in the restroom, trying to take care of some personal business so I suggested we go down the hall, so we could discuss his options without stressing him out. She led me to a conference room and asked me what had been going on at home and I told her as much as I could, while trying my best to hold back my tears. It didn't work, and soon, the makeup I'd applied earlier was decorating my cheeks, instead of my eyes. The doctor told me that their concern was that perhaps he was being over medicated with the morphine and I told them he was not taking more than what was prescribed by the VA docs. I've been wondering if the 30mg doses at 4 times a day wasn't a bit much, but felt the docs would know better than I. The doctor told me that they were decreasing his dosage because they thought he was having such a hard time recovering at home because of the morphine fog that he remained in. Well, duh, Doc! Then I told them that if he wasn't going to be able to participate in his recovery any more than he has in the past, then we were going to have to find alternative means of caring for him, in some sort of health related facility.

Damn, I felt like such a traitor for throwing him to the wolves like that, but my own survival depended upon it, I am sure. A few other doctors entered the conference room, for a pre-scheduled meeting, so I returned to Spouse's room. About an hour later, the social worker came back to his room, sitting on the edge of his bed and told him he was going to need to stay for a long time, if he wanted to live. She then told him they wanted to keep him and help him get strong enough to walk on his own again. Once they were certain he was able to walk again, he could be put back on the transplant list. Hearing this from her, he perked up a little bit and agreed to stay, asking her how long she thought it might take. She told him they want to keep him for at least a month and then they would evaluate his progress with the physical therapy and treatment.

She left the room to begin the paperwork and Spouse asked me to go buy him some bottled water. I took advantage of my time outside the hospital and went over to my grandpuppies' mom's office for a quick visit. Her own husband had recently had a serious health issue and I wanted to give her some supportive hugs. I'm lying. I needed those hugs for myself, just as badly! The grandpups were at the office and it was nice to see the boys again. They were thrilled to see Grandma Kimmi and their enthusiasm was infectious! Their "mom" and I had a lovely visit, a couple of really good hugs and I bid them farewell. Off to the store I went, gassed up the car for my trip home and then back to the hospital.

I sat in the wheelchair, next to Spouse's bed and we watched television together, until I fell asleep for about half an hour. He woke me up around 8 p.m. and we chatted a little more, until it was time for me to head home. Spouse told me about a few more things he hoped I would bring back, when I go to visit him on Friday and I kissed him goodbye until my return. He and I talked about how he might have to go into a nursing home, if he didn't work harder at getting well. He wasn't thrilled about it, but he understood my explanations about how much harder it was getting to be to lift him and be his sole nurse, cook, laundress and lawn keeper at home.

My neck was stiff from falling asleep in the chair and my body was feeling the miles of the past week and the trips to and fro. I dragged myself to the nearly empty parking lot and climbed into the car. The rain started again, just as I was exiting the hospital, making me wonder if the heavens were crying because I had failed my beloved. I rolled my window down a bit and lit another smoke for the cruise to the outer edges of the city. He was going to be okay now, as the antibiotics began doing their magic in his system and the medical staff answered his constant buzzing for them to get the bedpan or take him across the hall to the toilet.

He was going to be there for a month, while I would be able to go home and finally accomplish a few tasks which had been put off for longer than I could remember. My husband would be safe, with lots of help around if he did fall or stumble and I'd be able to finally clean the bathroom and keep it clean for longer than a day. I would be able to return the bathroom door to it's hinges. There would be an entire month for me to cleanse and replenish my soul and spirit, get the ignored chores done before winter without having to worry about him getting hurt and try to be a human being for a while, instead of the human doing that had been owning my body lately.

The freeway opened up in front of me and I headed home, enjoying the cool night air. About halfway home, the clouds disappeared and I noticed the brilliant glow of the full moon lighting the road and fields around me. The Righteous Brothers crooned "Unchained Melody" on the radio and a pleasant thought entered my head. While I had missed the lunar eclipse earlier in the day, I realized there was another eclipse that I would not miss. The total eclipse of my heart that had come from the dark pain which had been shrouding my spirit the past few weeks. was fading away. I turned up the radio, flicked my ashes out the window and enjoyed the rest of my drive home.

8^0 8^0

2007-08-25T01:11:00.001-05:00

uhm... er... oh fuck the cat, kids! I colored my hair tonight and it looks absolutely hilarious! Used a dark auburn shade, like I've used many times before, at least, before I went to black for awhile. Now that the hair is short, I was wanting to go back to the reddish shades that I enjoy. The thing is, I hadn't realized just how much gray there is up there now. While I was waiting for the color to set, I decided to read the instructions again. There was a little blurb that I hadn't noticed earlier when I read them the first time. Something about if there's a lot of gray, then these shades of red might seem a bit extreme. Extreme. Okay. Extreme? Uh, okay? It's sooo red, that I had to laugh, long and hard. I was reminded of a post Chandra made recently. Surely, she didn't jinx my new do, did she? ;) naaaah!

Thank God for ball caps and being able to color it again in a week. Maybe I'll add a bit of brownish shade to tone down the freakin' fireball on top of my head next week! :eek::laugh: OH - no, I won't be posting pix! :p

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For those of you who were so kind and understanding about my previous post/vent - thank you all so much. I've gotten some rest and have taken some steps to simplify our lives here a bit. For example, today, I took the bathroom door off of the hinges. Now Spouse is able to wheel himself into there and get himself on the can pretty much by himself. THAT is sweet. He appreciates having a bit of independence and I appreciate the break. For those folks who had planned on visiting, don't fret. I whipped up a beautiful curtain for the bathroom door, so there is still a modicum of privacy. It's a nice home dec fabric, so it's plenty thick and there is no seeing through it. Trust me, it's going to work fine for us. :D

Tomorrow, I shall take the door off of Spouse's bedroom and do the same fabric treatment (but different fabric, of course). Ha! I just remembered we've got some winter drapes in the basement, so I'll use those! Easy peasy!!

Now, all I need to do is figure out where to stash the doors, until they can be reinstalled. Not the basement, because it's still wet down there. I gotta get back down there and get that cement floor cracked and a hole dug for the sump pump before winter. Somebody put that on the list for me, okay? :rolleyes:

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Anyhoo - I just want to thank my dear friends here, who lifted me up, in more ways than I can count when I was in such a very low spot. Your prayers, your hugs and your words of kindness and wisdom really, really, really blessed me. Thank you - thank you - thank you!!!

Worthy of a Hanging

2007-08-22T03:12:00.001-05:00

Warning! This is a long vent and it's buddies only. If you care to read it, then let me know, so I can buddy ya up... as if anyone would really want to read this one!

My head is in a really ugly place and has been for the past couple of weeks. Spouse continues to get worse and worse, each day bringing more challenges than the one before. I absolutely hate me & feel ugly inside and helpless to make anything turn out alright. The VA has made me afraid now, of losing Spouse, as well as the income he brings in to the home. This morning, my first thought, upon waking, included the word suicide... as in, if I did, Spouse would be okay, because he'd go into a nursing facility.

Every day brings more bouts of trying to wake him up, cleaning up shitty mess after shitty mess, attempting to get him to eat food that is healthy, forcing him to take the medicine that makes him shit so much & his other pills and all the while, trying to not get frustrated with him. For the past week, Spouse has begun to sleep more than before, becoming more and more difficult to wake up. He has gotten more antagonistic with me over the smallest things and the dementia is rearing its' ugly head with increased frequency. Nobody ever comes to visit, not that a guest would feel comfortable watching the routines we have here. The phone rarely rings, except for the odd solicitor who either gets a verbal blasting because they've interrupted a very important aspect of my daily riturals with Spouse or the kinder, sadder version where I request they remove my ill husband's name from their registry of hunters... what a sad creature I have become.

Tonight, he began trying to take the lid off of his cup of lemonade and I panicked. It's been a long, hard and very frustrating day and the last thing I wanted to do was mop up another mess, especially if it could be avoided. So, we struggled with each other over the glass of lemonade. He began yelling at me, calling me horrid names and I finally gave his shoulder a light smack. He immediately shut up and let go of the glass and I felt absolute remorse for having struck him, even if it was just a little smack. He did not deserve to be hit, no one does. The strange thing is, that little hit made him "come to" and he seemed more coherent for a short while. Following that unforgivable action of mine, he seemed more awake and able to comprehend what was going on in his surroundings. Did my action wake him up? I don't know, but it certainly got both of our attention.

I checked his shoulder, to be sure I hadn't injured him and there was not even a red mark where my hand struck his shoulder. Still, I feel more horrible than I have ever felt in my life. Now I wonder if I should call the police and turn myself in... is this what I have become? A monster who goes around beating on defenseless and helpless disabled people? What I did to my husband is proof of just how evil I have become in this isolation we live in. He deserves better and if I were out of the picture, he'd get better treatment, that's for certain. Don't worry, though - I won't be taking any drastic measures to bring that first thought to fruition. When my best friend committed suicide, many years ago, I realized just how much pain caused and how many other lives were effected. I could not do that to my sisters, nor to my children and friends.

You know, he was doing so well, until we got the news from the VA about a claim Spouse had submitted recently. There is a grant available to certain veterans, which would have helped us to get some modifications done on the house so his wheelchair might fit through his bedroom door, through the bathroom door, through the door to get in/out of the house and add a ramp so he might go outside when he wants.

The VA denied Spouse the grant, claiming his broken hip would mend, as well as his hip fracture not being service connected. Well, no fuckin'ladeeda shit, frickin' ignorant desk jockey in the VA system!!! As if we are so stupid as to think a broken hip warrants a wheelchair ramp in the first place!!! *sorry - this really pisses me off - more than I can express in a lady like fashion* When I attempted to explain to the powers that be that the claim was related to his Hepatic Encephalopathy, it's as if I was banging my head on a foam wall... boing boing boing & not a dent in sight. It does not surprise me, not really, because in the documentation which we provided to the desk jerkey, er jockey, his primary doc in the VA system stated that his prognosis is "guarded". In other words, the VA knows they can simply deny all they want & eventually, given the health of the veteran, he will die and they will have saved the system hundreds of dollars. Never mind the fact the veteran can barely move around in his home & on most days, he is no longer able to even use his walker. It's the wheelchair or bed and nothing in between. They, the VA, will simply sit and wait for the veteran to die. They have all the time in the world for this, after all... it is the government.

So - once we got the denial to his claim, then the denial to the appeal I made on his behalf, he has given up. It seems he just does not care any longer and so he's ready to check out and let the VA win. Meanwhile, I have been putting in an average of 18 hour days, never getting my daily shower before 1 a.m. and not getting to sleep before 3 a.m. He has crapped himself, on a daily basis, no less than 3 times & I clean him up. We are no longer able to get him into the bathtub safely, so you can only imagine how difficult it is to get him clean each time he makes this mess. Thank goodness for baby wipes that cut through the poo! It might not be so bad, if the Lactulose *remember me mentioning this nasty elixer, right? explosive shitz is the one side effect you can depend on. No pun intended there...* didn't make it smell THAT much worse and THAT much messier. I'm sorry for being so graphic - really, I am. It might be less difficult if he were able to stand, with his walker, without shaking and/or falling down.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with my sister, Tower, whilst tending to Spouse. She told me today that it took me 45 minutes to get him awake, out of his bed and into the bathroom and then back into bed. That was just one trip to the potty. Thank goodness that was a trip that he made & hit the toilet and not a nasty pants trip. I have learned to totally appreciate little things like hitting the hole and dry pants. Bless my sister's heart, for staying on the phone with me while I was tending him. The sad thing, he fell as we were exiting the bathroom on a subsequent trip, and she got to hear the most of that. That had to be scary for her, to hear the crash as he began to fall and my muffled sob when I saw him begin to go down.

Damn me! DAmn Me! I turned my eye, for just a second, to see where his wheelchair was, because it does not fit into the bathroom completely. The door is in the way. If I had been standing behind him, a difficult position to get to in the first place, when he is exiting the john, he might not have fallen. Thank goodness, this time his head hit on the box of laundry soap and not on the pedestal sink. Did I mention it took nearly an hour to get him up off the floor, because he was having trouble understanding my directions when attempting to lift him?

The thing is, I cannot lift him on my own. My back cannot withstand the strain of trying to lift him and my left shoulder is shot all to hell. I'm not sure if the shoulder got "near" blown from hauling the heavy buckets of water up from the basement, each time it flooded, or from having to pick Spouse up when he fell or a combination of both. Either way, it's all I can do to carry a bag of groceries in from the car, using my left arm. One of these days, it will snap, I'm gonna scream and it will be painfully useless until we can afford a trip to the doctor to fix it. Of course, I'll have to find a sitter for Spouse first.

Anyhow, this post got lots longer than I had planned, so I apologize for that. Bottom line, I am lower than pond scum and know it. Although I have told Spouse how very, very, VERY sorry I am for having struck him and he has forgiven me in a brief moment of clarity - there is a lesson for me to learn here. There are things for me to consider, before allowing myself to vent in such a horrible way, if there is a next time. First off - if I feel that frustrated in a given situation, then I must inhale/exhale and step away, even if it means I will wind up mopping up yet another sticky mess from the floor. It would only be another sticky mess & cleaning such up would be far more favorable than diminishing my true love's dignity.

I must strive to remember that someday, seeing as I have the same disease, I might have to rely on someone else to care for me -- because of this, the Golden Rule really should be followed! Most important for me to keep in mind here, is the commitment I made to my beloved and to the God of my Understanding. Tonight, I failed that commitment - but I have been blessedly forgiven by my husband & hopefully by my God. Way to go, Kimmi... just one more failure to chalk up on the list of fuck-ups this summer.

Anyway - all this above - that's why I haven't been posting. Who wants to read about the evil bitch who was so mean to her husband? Who wants to read about what she's been doing every single day for the past few weeks? Not me & can't blame the reader for not running for the hills! Fuggit... it's after my 3 a.m. bedtime and I still need to get a shower. Now you understand why I cut my hair, kids?

Done Deed

2007-08-04T11:50:00.000-05:00

Here ya go, folks... the before & after pix of my hair, taken yesterday. I woke up this morning with bedhead. Haven't really had that problem for a few years, so it's going to take some serious getting used to! :laugh: It might be a good idea for those with weak hearts to be sitting when they see the extreme difference in my hair, btw. ;)

Before:

After:

Boy, does my neck look fat in that second picture! Actually, kids, that's all muscle from carrying around all the extra weight. It's amazing how light my head feels now. I'm going to go hop into the shower and see how long it takes to get done now that I don't have 5 pounds of hair to wash!

One more thing... remember how I was really concerned about getting struck by lightening if I cut it, because of the vow I'd made to God, years ago? We got rain last night - lots of rain - but, no lightening at all. It's been nearly two months of no rain and the downpour was a blessing for our lawn and the local crops, indeed. I guess God's okay with my needing to shed the locks. whew!

Mane Frame

2007-08-03T15:01:00.000-05:00

Okay folks - I have an appointment at 4:30 to get my hair cut. It'll be the first cut since Spouse & I got married. Before he came into my life, I had a chat with the God of my understanding & I mentioned that if a good man was sent into my life, then I'd give my hair to the GOMU. Soon enough, along comes Spouse, we got married & I haven't cut it since. While I truly believe that the GOMU won't strike me dead or love me any less than He already does, I have been tormented by the thought of how disappointed He will be with me, if/when I do cut my hair off.

The thing is, my hair is neato, as far as long, but it's also a huge PIA, as far as taking care of it. When I get up in the morning, I hit the ground running and usually am not able to get my own personal shower until well after midnite each day. My hair, when wet, takes at least an hour to comb all the tangles out & yes, I do use conditioner on it... lots of conditioner, but that does not eliminate tangles in hair as wavy as mine. With Spouse's health getting as bad as it is, my hair is in the way and even could be construed as dangerous at times. Imagine me being stuck because Spouse decides to walk across the room while I am trying to comb out the snags and he falls. When my hair has been hanging down, while I've worked at helping him get back up off the floor, he's grabbed it for balance *ouch!*, gotten it tangled around his arms, etc. Not good.

So - I am going to trust that my GOMY won't blast me with lightening or love me any less and He'll understand that the better sacrifice might be, at this point, to shed the locks. The question now remains... How short should I cut it? I'm thinking cut it extremely short and then I won't have to cut it again for another ten years.

What say you?

The End

2007-08-03T01:00:00.000-05:00

I do apologize for keeping as mum as I have these past couple of weeks. Life on the farm is (not) kind of laid back... how does that old John Denver song go anyway? Thank God I'm a country girl/boy, blah blah blah. Speaking of songs, tonight I remembered a song that Spouse & I danced to, at our wedding. It was our first dance, as man & wife, sung by the band we hired for the reception. I must say, although all of our friends were thrilled for us both, there were a few misty eyes in the bunch, as they watched my beloved lead me around the dance floor, under a beautiful canopy of stars. Our ceremony was outdoors, of course, nearly in the woods *that's where I got dressed for the ceremony*, at the home of a friend. I wore an emerald green gown that was custom made out of beautiful French brocade silky fabric. If I had a scanner, I'd show all y'all a pic, but alas, that thing died years ago and is long gone. It was the wedding of my dreams, quite fantastic, as I rode out of the woods, side-saddle style, on a horse adorned with ribbons, bows and flowers, that was led by my best guy pal, Gary (more like a bro, than just a pal, actually) to the steps of the log home, where my son waited to lead me to my waiting groom. Yeah, it was like a beautiful dream come true.

Anyhow, the song is called "At (The End) of the Rainbow" and the version I heard when Spouse & I were choosing the music for our special day, was sung by Earl Grant, back in 1958. It was someplace at the top of the charts back then & I can easily understand why. So far, I have only been able to locate the lyrics to the song and it's bumming me out big time. Here they are, for your wish-you-could-b-listening pleasure...

Treasa gets the credit for locating this beautiful video for me! It's worth the wait time for those on dial-up, imho, so I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I. Thanks, T! :loveyou:

At the end of a rainbow
You'll find a pot of gold
At the end of a story
You'll find it's all been told

But our love has a treasure
Our heart's can't always spend
And it has a story without any end

At the end of a river
The water stops it's flow
At the end of a highway
There's no place you can go

But just tell me you love me
And you are only mine
And our love will go on 'til the end of time

At the end of the rainbow
You'll find a pot of gold
At the end of a story
You'll find it's all been told

But our love has a treasure
Our heart's can't always spend
And it has a story without any end

At the end of a river
The water stops it's flow
At the end of a highway
There's no place you can go

But just tell me you love me
And you are only mine
And our love will go on
'Til the e-end of time
'Til the end of time ...